so much has happened

so much has happened in the last week. I attempted suicide on Sunday and found myself in a mental hospital for a week. Very intersting. I went to my first AA meeting. I'm now on mood stablizers and Zoloft. I like them both. I will write about all of it soon enough.

But more importantly, what i thought was teh end of the world was actually the beginning. Wenesday i wrote a letter to my ex-Tom who has helped me through the very rough year of my life of drug overdoses and binge drinking and suicide attempts while trying to look for God.

The best part about being admitted to the mental place was that finally i got a name for my disease. I think i'd been misdiagnosed for years. I think i've been misunderstood for year. Some people just thought i was a tempermental artist. Some people thought i was just a dramatic queen. Some thought i just needed attention. Some thought i just needed to stop druging and drinking. I would get messages that "Are you sure sweetheart you want to get well."

I needed help. I needed help for years. I would go to clinics and different therapists and just get the same results. i'd try to get into relationships hoping that would change me or go to church hoping that would change me or whatever. I have a blog called "Light" when i asked god for light and not another chance. I was tired of chances. You can get as many chances as you want fumbling around in darkness directionless. What i needed was a fucking flashing light or moonlight or some type of light to go a specific direction.

When i was kid, I was constanly asked what i wanted to be when i grew up. I think all kids want the illusion of happiness. the stable home, to be a mom or dad live in a nice house with a picket fence, the fairytale and have a good job. I told my fifth grade teacher i wanted to be the president of the United States. I don't know why i said that. Some kids said they wanted to be lawyers or firemen. Kids always want to be some type of superhero. I wonder what that means. Nobody ever wants to grow up to be divorce. Nobody ever wants to grow up and keep getting fired from drops. Nobody ever wants to be the high school drop out teenage mama. But sometimes, often times, we do grow up to be those people. I didn't want to grow up to be a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic alcoholic wannabe writer.

But as kids, do we really get much choice what we're supposed to grow up to be. With all the fairytales and family sitcoms and walt disney, isn't it a set-up for failure? My mother was a crack whore and father was a drug dealer that died wheni was five. My mother was never around. I was molested. I grew up constantly terried of if i would eat or have a place to sleep or be attacked. I grew up constantly terrified. I went from one foster care to another foster care to another family member house to be a runaway at 15 years old. I wonder why i wanted to grow up to be a hero. I cause i wanted to grow and be invincible. I think that's the attraction of superman and batman. I wanted to grow and be able to fight the bad guys and win. But the bad guys became my demons. The bad guys were the demons of my childhood.

Maybe in a way i'm getting to grow to be the superhero. I have to fight those voices in my head that constantly what to destroy ever that i love dear like the villian in the cartoon. Maybe on some subconsious level children understand the need for good to prevail. It's for life to prevail.

i suddenly found my meaning in life. I used to think cartoonish villains were teh bank robbers, the rapers, the murderers, the jokers, the dictators and those people are real. But what's also real is the pain we sometimes never get over as kids when were touched by real evil. Superhereos always have a purpose because they've experience real evil really young in life. clark kent and lex luther. need i say more.