today i forced myself out of bed. I didn't want to go to work but i knew once i got there i be okay. I think staying at home under the covers makes it worse. I think i'm getting better.



I still got four weeks until we break up but i already miss him. I can hold him anymore. I can't kiss him anymore. Why do i want to do all that with him when i was with him i did none of it. Maybe i'm the type of person who needs to lose things in order to appreciate it.



He's not the first. When I broke up with my very first boyfriend, I didn't miss him until it was over. I didn't cry for him until it was over. The entire relationship i treated him like crap but when he finally decided to leave me I became such a little kid. I became such a drama queen. I told him i needed him but for n

No one can get in the way of what i'm feeling for you

I’m going to really miss you baby

I woke up yesterday, sober but craving vodka. I got ready for work and I could feel myself breaking again. I just wanted to lay back in the bed but I had three meetings and a training class. I like my job, but it was still so hard.

I knew we were ending, in exactly five weeks we’re ending. I will be living someone else and I just want to scream. I know it was my entire fault and I couldn’t understand why I could never get it right. I couldn’t understand how my illnesses became the focal point in the relationship. Why wasn’t it my heart?

And I loved him. I wanted to be him. I wanted love to save us. And it seems so unfair.

Yesterday I got up for work and didn’t feel like smiling. I just wanted to put on my sunshades and just get the work over with. That’s the real world; you can’t show any emotion or weakness or face aesthetic eviction.

Now I want my mama. I want to go back to room in elementary. I want to regress. I want to take naps. I don’t want to be a grown up. I just want to be a kid with no responsibility.
I don’t want this heartbreak. I want to stop drinking when I get off work. I want to see the sun shine again. I want to be pleasant around people again.

And when they tell me this heartbreak will pass I want to slap them because I don’t want to be out of love. I could feel the loneliness waiting for me on the other side. But at least I can stop crying. I’m so tired of crying. So fucking tired of crying.

So I wake up and pretend again. I put on the smile and make everyone in the real world not know I’m breaking. I go home and close the shades and don’t talk to nobody. I stopped taking phone calls. And I wake up and I go to work again. I put on the smile, I smile at strangers hoping they need it as much as I do right now.

And when I wake up in the morning, the bed empty, alone, I put on the smile, I open the windows and then I cry but I cry in the sun. I tell myself if I’m going to keep crying it’s going to be in the sun. And on the weekends I sleep. I go somewhere that makes me laugh and then I start crying again.

Nobody said loving would be this hard but they also didn’t say every day I heal I feel so much stronger. I feel like I’m strongest person on the planet crying at blockbuster.

What is Enlightment

Two books i'm reading right now, Gary Zukav "Soul to Soul" and Einhart "The power of now"


I liked the budha saying what is enlightment, it's the end of suffering. I bought the two books hoping to was some of my insanity these last five months. It broke, then it got worse and then i would get better and then i relapse and it seemed to get worse, than better and soon i just wanted the bullshit to be over.

I know i have been acting out. I've cursed out, threatenedd, did some really crazy things but it was all fear. I didn't know i was so damn scared.

As a young boy my sisters would say i was a very scared kid. I didn't want to fight. I cried alot. Everything would scare. I was scared by darkness. I was scared of ghosts. I was scared of the Michael Jackson music video. I remember that feeling of fear and how it made me feel constantly vulnerable. I hated feeling so afraid.

When i got older i thought getting rid of the fear was learning to never run from a fight. To talk louder. I didn't want other people to know i was afraid. I was afraid i wasn't good enough. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that people thought i was weird. I was afraid of them finding out my lies so i lied more to cover up secrets like my mother was a crack head, that we were poor, that i was often hungry and homeless. I was homeless three time my senior year in high school. So i first overcompensated my fear with inferior complex, over dressing, everything had ot be expensive and better. I put myself in a lot of debt. And then i overcompensated my fear with anger, liqour and aggressiion. I didn't know how to be aroudn people anymore so all I could do was curse or threatened. I was so afraid of rejection i purposely made sure i was rejected. I called be fakes and frauds. I hated them because i felt they didn't give me enough attention.

That boyish fear drove everyone away and made me more afraid. Now i'm afraid of getting lost, being homeless, losing my job, losing everything.

I got back to the apartment the other day and my neighbors banded together to have me kicked out on the DEc first. They wanted me to go in that second but i just smiled and apologized and pleaded for a few weeks to get my shit together.

And then i remember that night really needing a drink because i felt i gave into easy. I didn't curse, act out, i didn't fight hard enough. I was also mad at my roommate who didn't fight for me. They told him he could stay but i had to go. I was the problem.

And there is was, the fear, staring me in the faces of angry neighbors like an angry mobb with pittforks ready to hang the freak. I had did too much. The four years ravaging drunken bipolar rages, all the sex parties, two robberies which was of course blamed on me and the company i kept, two suicide attempts, making the landry room into my sex room, having sex parties down in the landry room, the neighbor catching me with his wife sucking dick on the porch at three in the morning, the drug paranolia and dildoes i kept down in the basement, having the cops come to the house, being dragged out the house by a swarm of police officers to a mental institution.

I had created this storm out of fear, at first i was the little boy who hid from his shadow who grew up to be a raving lunatic in the shadows.

Why was i still so damn afraid. It was the suffering. I was tired of teh suffering. I did it my entire life. I've known suffering. Before i was eight years old i would be molested, abused, shot in the head, hit in the head with a brick, told i was nothing constantly and then my mother abadoned me.

It's no sobb story but fear. It always seemed like something i was powerless again. I was powerless against the suffering. And the world was just full of it. I learned real quickly that when i was hurting i would just find more people to hurt me. Nobody in my apartment building understood i was hurting. They just figured they didn't want my hurt to inconvience thier lives so they just hurt me more.

Yet, I hurt myself the worse. I fell in love with the hurt. I fell in love with the fear. I felt it was teh only thing that couldn't understand me until i found enlightment.

I used to say when people look at me, they don't see me, they don't see the years of abused and abusing. All they see is the straight jacket.

Yet, recently i was given a choice. I was told i might end up institutionalized by my therapist. It scared the hell out of me. I immediately regreted seeking help.

I understand what she meant. I was becoming a danger to myself and others around me. I knew i wasn't a bad person. I just got aggrivated often. And i was trying to keep it together damnit. I would sit in the darkness and fight with those voices in my head. I would fight with the magentism of being bipolar not tripping off the high. And i would call people hoping somebody could help me when it just felt like i was losing my mind. And sometimes i felt the medication just made things worse.

And i felt like nobody could understand, like Tom, I didn't go to the store to get liqour, i actually went for water, I just happened to walk out with liqour. I was tired of drinking. I hate my body had gotten so weak. I hadn't the fucking headaches because bipolar takes up and then slams your ass to the ground. And i hate when other peopel say to me they may be bipolar also, it makes me want to slap the shit out of them. It's not the next social disease, for too many of is it's suicide. And i'm afraid because maniac depression turns off the lights and they don't come back on for days.

And now i'm afraid again, afraid of my split personality, afraid my drinking will take everything from me or not allow me to keep it together, i'm afraid of i've done too much, i'm afraid of my bipolar/skipzo and if i stop taking the medicine for one second it explodes again.

And then there's enlightment and i know fear is just a lie that needs or wants to be true. IT's a lonely lie.

And i've been lying with my existence, my spirit and my soul. I lied with my body. The more i'm afraid i lie to the world who i really am.

I'm still figuring it out. I know that i'm not what i used to be, even if it was yesterday.