Silence

I've been sleeping alot. I think i'm gathering up strength. I don't go out as much as i used to. I don't drink as much as i used to. I don't feel the need.

All i need now is silence. I asked God for light. that was a mistake. i just wanted to know why i had been fumbling around in the darkness for so long go every direction but the right way.

I asked God for light, and got a flash. I saw the road ahead of me. It was more like climbing a mountain. I suddenly felt like Sympus. I read that book by John Camus, loved it. My favorite line "there is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide."

Why do we do anything. Why get up in the morning. Actually, two years ago i tried to kill myself. It was the sixth time. But two years ago was the worse. I still have scars. Two years ago one day i just didn't feel like getting up anymore. I didn't call in to work. I stopped paying all my bills. I just laid in the bed for like five months. I just walked away from all of it. Of course i regretted it.

That's the thing about suicide they don't tell you about. It's what if you fail. What if you get to that point and change your mind. It's hard coming back because you know rock bottom. Suicide was like accepting my death. It was so beautiful. But not dying is like figuring out why to live.

After the last suicide attempt i became very afraid of me. I gave up. I knew i could give up again. It makes it harder to rebuild knowing another storm may be in the new future. I guess you can compare my last suicide attempt to Huricane Katrina. It's not just the storm that happened in New Orleans and its devastation its how to rebuild the ghetto. Can one rebuild the ghetto? Isn't the ghetto the very essence of devastation and poverty. That's the real issue with New Orleans nobody is talking about and when i think of my last suicide, it's like how can i rebuild a broken soul. The storm was only the symptom. The storm only brought attention to what was already brewing.

Maybe that's what i'm most afraid of, that my soul is the ghetto and what happens if another storm comes into town.

So i dedicate this to silence.