Not so black and gay

It really does feel like day one. To say my life came apart is understatement. I know the truth. My life never began. I remember graduating college very confused, going out into the real world without a fucking clue so I got into a long term relationship. I got the big job in the big city. I got the right clothes and friends. But I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy.

I feel as if I’m going through a divorce in my life right now. I’m no longer in my twenties. I will be thirty one years old in two weeks. I feel like I’m going through a divorce in my life.

It’s true, I’ve tried to commit suicide a couple of times in my life. My first suicide attempt I was sixteen years old. The world just seemed to much to deal with and I wanted out. The second time I was twenty four years old. The third time I was twenty nine years old. And now just recently. All those attempts and thinking about it, I never really fully understood what I was trying to accomplish. I don’t think those who attempt suicide are giving up, it’s just that they think they are trapped and refuse to get the help.

After my last suicide attempt, and I only talk about this because I think it might help somebody, spending a week in the mental hospital really helped me. I was able to talk through my problems. I didn’t have a support system in place. I had alienated myself from everyone I knew, so call friends and family. But in the mental ward, I found people just like me and professionals. I got a name to go with my problem. I got the medication. I got the help.

Saying that I wasn’t okay was the hardest part. I cried for like a week. I knew I wasn’t okay for a long time but I wouldn’t admit it. I was so afraid of being instittionilized. I was so afraid of the medication thinking it would take away my creativity or edge. I had fallen in love with my sadness. It was hard to let go because I liked hanging out with misery, the bitch loved company.

Things I know for sure, when you’re hurting, you will constantly find people who are also hurting and want to hurt you.

I’ve had this blog going on three years now. I’ve had other blogs, but I couldn’t keep a job, so I didn’t pay the monthly fee.

Now that I’m healthy or in-recovery? I think to myself what is it that I want from life. I really only thinking ahead to the next year.

Next year at this time, I really only want five things:

Free of my credit card debt – it’s only about five thousand dollars. I found out I had good credit like back in June in been on a spending spree.

Have my own apartment, that means getting and keeping a job.

Publish my two books and finished my memoir and first gay novel.

Understand my health, I mean everything and getting proper treatment. That’s the hard part because as a gay man I’m only supposed to think of HIV but I got high blood pressure also. It runs in my family.

Keep a year diary of my journey to mental health. I still got problems with alcohol, so I attend my meetings. I want to be sober. But I also want to feel alive. I’m taking my meds and two weeks later I’m really beginning to feel the change.

I’m really excited about this new journey in my life. At first I was scared shitless. I was sad my nine year relationship had reached its breaking point which meant I was going to have to get used to be single again. I haven’t been single since I was 19 years old. I went from relationship to the other. I was never faithful but I always had somebody to come home to at the end of the day.

I was scared shitless about going to therapy and taking medication. I thought it would turn me into one of the “shiny happy people.” I feel better but I’m no stepford wife. I like to see where I will be in a year from now.
A lot can change in a black gay boy’s life in a year. I hope the next year is a good year for me.