The beginning of accepting the wreckage

After my much to do about nothing rants for the last two weeks I started thinking about chances. We always pray to god when we figure out world is going right asking for another chance. I’ve been asking for chances for years. I’m on like my one millionth second chance; but last night I decided to do something different. I didn’t ask for another chance. I was referring to the fact I missed out on a very important job last week because I didn’t check my email or phone messages because I went on an alcoholic binge and drug rant. I missed out on that job that one paycheck would’ve got me back on my feet with my bills. I’m really pissed about that.

So last night I asked god for light. I asked god for some common sense. A year from now my life will be completely different. I will either be dead, homeless or free. Those are the only choices. It’s funny how life really hits that fork road in choices that you either die or live. I know I stopped living a long time ago. But that’s another subject. A subject that will aptly be called “Wreckage” in the future. I know longer care about becoming the best seller writer extradoinare. Last week I was watching the movie “El Cantante” with Mark Anthony. It was a pretty good movie but the story about Hector Lavoe was just sad. I decided I didn’t want a life I didn’t get. I didn’t want a life where you supposedly get everything: money, fame, legacy but you don’t get sanity. I wasn’t going to be one of those artist boozing and drugging my life away and everyone after I die say how brilliant yet tragic I was, that used to be romantic to me, now it’s just sad. It’s sad not to get your own life, your own brilliance, your own purpose.

So I asked God for light.

A year from now I will not be Dead or Homeless, but I will be enlightened. I will be on my own in my own apartment. I will still be trying to get it together. And I’m not afraid of the loneliness that comes with getting healthy.

I asked God for light because I no longer wanted to act like the victim or as if I don’t know consequences. Life is just a bunch of choices and some of them lead us in the wrong direction that we’re lost for years. I’m in the dessert, I know that. I’ve made a LOT of bad decisions. I’ve been fumbling around in the dark like I could feel my way to salvation. I should’ve asked for a damn flashlight a long time ago.

I write this not for my self, but for you, you who will come looking like I did when I started asking questions and couldn’t find answers. You are not alone.