Redefining Addiction

I believe we are hardwired when we’re kids, before adolescents, and before the teenage years when we begin questioning. It was that programming, nurture, that began the crack of our innocence, that brought the earthquake and landslide that brought us down, made us grow up. As adults we’re constantly trying to balance that hardwiring, what we felt we didn’t get as children. It’s usually one or two strong emotions. It’s usually one or two defining events. We spend our entire lives trying to balance or heal. It becomes our addiction. It becomes the compulsive behavior we will go to the ends of the earth searching for answers or a remedy, regardless of the consequences. Believe it or not, it’s our purpose. Addiction is our purpose. We need to put away the judgment, because there is good addiction and bad addiction. There are two types of addiction: behavioral and chemical. Some people get addicted to attention, some love, some drugs, and some alcohol. Some sex, but it’s all the same. Halle Berry admits she is addicted to fame, but it was Eric Benet that we focused on, because his addiction was a little more scandalous and not as socially accepted. He was addicted to sex --but both were addicted to attention, just different forms. Halle Berry can’t pass up a red carpet, an award show, commercials, films, magazine covers, which means she always has to work--she always need attention. She has yet to slow down and focus on her personal life. She probably constantly worries about getting older and not having that high anymore. But her addiction for attention will never change. It’s hardwired. She would just probably have to find another way to get that high, if she doesn't want to end up alone. We aren't meant to be alone.

I believe that there are four types of people in the world. The ones trying to change the world for the better or destroy it; and the ones trying to save the world from itself or damn it. Because our compulsive behavior is hardwired as children, we usually become four types of addicts:

There is a good and bad "moralist" type of addict who wholeheartly believes in their right and wrong. For whatever reason, or whatever happened in their childhoods, a moralist cannot be wrong. They’ve already made their mind up about the world, and being wrong would unravel their universe as they know it. They tend to be politcians or very religious people. They’re always trying to convert.

There is a good and bad "spotlighter" type of addict that needs to affect the world or prove their existence. Remember what Roxie said in Chicago, “I love them for loving me, and they love me for loving them, and that’s because neither one of us got enough love in our childhood.” A spotlighters tend to be artist, writers, entertainers, talk show hosts, singers, anything that gives them a voice and stage or soapbox to express their wounded pride.

There is the good and bad "martyr" type of addict willing to die for the cause. Willing to give anything for the cause. They don’t care about fame or money, just the cause. For some reason, they just have to believe. They can’t give up hope. Martyr usually tend to be teachers, monks, nuns, people who pray for the world, behind the scenes people or even terrorists.

There is a good and bad "chosen one" type of addict who feels as if they’ve been handed a burden that is there’s alone to carry. The chosen one never got to decide, their burden was handed down, but mostly forced on them. Think of Tiger Woods, Michael Jackson, any child actor trying tore always tryingto gbecausething back becasue imagine having to be the same person as an adult you were at five years old.

It is the hardwiring that will decide the addiction. Addiction is not the same for everyone. Addiction has to serve a purpose. It has to be the answer to balancing of the equation of that emotion or event the soul is trying to remedy. The American Psychological Association defines addiction: compulsion to repeat a behavior regardless of its consequences. Despite my non-existent PhD, I believe I have a better defintion. First, we have to remove the judgement. All human beings are addicts. Actually, we need addiction. It is thought that person only needs food, shelter and water to live, but we also need our soul, the will to live. If we lose our soul, our will to live, no amount of food, shelter and water matters. Rich white girls starve themselves to death. Supposedly Wealthy or normal men and women kill themselves all the time. It’s the soul. They’ve bankrupt their soul. Addiction is the motivation of the soul. Therefore, addiction can be good or bad. I believe addiction is a sense of bliss and completion, how the individual soul normalizes their world in which he or she is winning. Have you ever noticed that crack addicts don’t kill themselves, instead they overdose. They will chase the high to the end of the universe. They are very focus addicts. A person who needs attention will chase fame to the end of the universe regardless of the consequence. Take today’s actresses, who are starving themselves to bones because they believe that’s the require meant of Hollywood. If Hollywood wanted obesity, those same celebrities would go the opposite direction. Renee Zellweger loses weight and then dramatically gains weight just for a film.

As early as eight years old, my grandmother would send me in to the house to light her cigarettes on the kitchen stove. I always took a puff but never got addicted. I have never craved cigarettes. I find cigarettes disgusting unless I have a cocktail in my hand. I took my first hit of weed in high school and spent most of my sophomore year in college high, but I never craved weed. I don’t go out looking for it. I’ve tried a lot of drugs once or twice, from paintranquilizerine, speed, tranquilizers, acid, harsh, ecstasy and even the most recent popular drug Tina. I never got addicted. Some drugs like the mice I’ve done once and never touched it again. It just didn’t do anything for me.

Yet, the first time I drank alcohol, I knew I had met my best friend. It was instant, the chemical change. It was like waking up from a deep sleep, and suddenly the world, but more specially the night came alive. The street lights shined brighter, the wind whispered in a funky beat, the night sky glistened like a deep blue ocean, and I could feel the moon pulling the tide to shore. It was pure bliss. I had found something I didn’t even know I was looking for. I was twenty years when I took my first real drink. I’m not talking about a wine cooler or even that crap MD 20/20. I’m talking about hard liquor: vodka, rum, and whiskey. I didn’t know happiness could exist in liquid form. I took my first sip of a cranberry and vodka at a college party, and a star was born. Shit, I became Bette Davis: “Fasten your seat belts darling; it’s going to be a bumpy ride!”

We are all addicts. We all need something to make life meaningful. Addiction is our behavior. To know your addiction is to simply ask yourself, what emotion(s) you need to make life meaningful. And when I say emotion, I mean a feeling like love, validation, hope or even anger.In my case, the emotion was validation, in otherwords, attention and confidence. The emotion materialized the addiction. I needed validation, to feel like I existed because I was the son of a prostitute who abadoned me when I was eight years old, and that made me feel unwanted so I craved attention and emotional existence. I became a spotlighter. I needed a way to prove I existed and was wanted. I needed a stage to tell my story.

Addition reinforces the personality type. People who always need to be right, moralist, usually get addicted to leadership positions or playing with the system like petty stealing. With addiction there is a high and low. There is no middle. When I say that addiction is good and bad, I mean if it still feels good during the low, it's good.

Addiction only works if there’s the feeling of intense bliss and normalization. I would say I only felt normal when I was in the club with cocktail in my hand. I only feel normal with a cocktail in my hand.So what is bad addiction. I believe we are either adding or subtracting from our life. Addiction will affect everythign a person’s life good or bad. With good addiction, a person is adding to their life. With good addiction, its more behavorial, a person is addicted to their work or helping people, they get a high from speeches or teaching. With good addiction, they use their compulsive behavior to not be alone. A teacher who gets up to believe in her students everyday, is not alone.

Bad addiction is solitary confiement. Bad addiction is the spiral to complete loneliness and alienation. The soul just wants to be left alone to die. I know bad addiction. I started having a problem with alchohol around age twenty five years old. I started cutting myself. I started getting into more fights at the club. I started calling relatives to cuss them out. I cursed friends out constantly.With bad addiction a person is punishing themselves. Insteand of trying to heal that emotion or event of their childhood, they punish themselves. Insead of wanting to exist, it’s the opposite. Addiction can be the motivation of the soul to live or to die. With bad addiction a person wants to die alone. They would do everythign in their power to be alone. They don’t want to be loved. They would used their addiction to drive everyone away. It’s just their soul expressing itself. It isn’t the addiction, it’s the soul that has give up. It isn’t the chemcial, it’s the soul that is acting out. The soul is using the chemical. It has to be a particular chemical. The soul can’t act out on weed or aspirin. If a person who is a spotlight, who wants attention, would use the chemical alcohol or Meth to act out. Addiction has to serve a purpose for the soul. That’s why some people get addicted to crack and others cigerettes. It has to serve a purpose. And with bad addiction, even if its behavorial, the person is trying to punish themselves. They hate themselves. They try to hide it at first, but it will come out. Hate will destroy everything.

Now, my addiction is good, I get my good high from writing. I love publishing. I love feedback. I love hearing that I was heard. It makes me feel alive and wanted. It makes me feel as if I could make it another day.Addiction is life. It is said that when babies are born, if they don’t receive touch they die. Human beings aren’t mean to be alone. We can’t go at life alone, because it would be empty, miserable and meaningless. Human beings need meaning and purpose. I liked how one of my good friends once explain his relegion, that it may be a lie, but it’s the lie he’s chosen to believe in. I realized how I was going about my addiction to alchohol and sex was taking me from my life. I was becoming alone, confined, stripped of real human touch and interaction. My soul was dying. I felt it. I didn’t want to die. I knew if my addiction for attention and confidence brought me love, adding to my life, I would be okay. I didn’t want my addiction for attention and confidence to keep subtracting from my life because I was broke. I didn’t have anything else to give it but death.

That’s the test of life. How you feel when you awake and open your eyes. If you feel like your drowning, maybe something in your life needs to change. If you feel like you’re losing, that you’re become more alone and check your soul. I want to feel like I’ve built a beach house by the sea where the sun rises. Right now, I’m just learning to swim, but one day.