Are sex parties illegal?

It was three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. I just finished reading my bible and decided to check my email when I noticed something suspicious. One of my email subjects read “fuck party.” I immediately clicked the link. The sex party was for later that night, the host promised big dicks and tight asses, even provided pictures of a promised good time. I picked up the phone. I called my local Sheriff’s office.

“Hello, my name is not important, but I need to report a black gay sex party in my neighborhood.” The operator, at first startled, asked me to repeat myself, if I was with some religious group, and what was the real emergency of my call. I just laughed.

If you haven’t heard, the sex police want you to report the unlawful sexual exploitation of black men who have sex with other men throughout the United States. Their ad is really hot, a blue and red shroud pic of another black man sucking another black man’s dick. I got hard just thinking about the exploitation of black gay men.

I never made that phone call to the sheriff’s office, but I imagined that’s how it would happen. Fuck the police.

I once threw a hotel sex party. Actually, I’ve thrown several: two really successful ones and four complete failures. What a fucking headache. Nobody paid to get in, because I was more concerned with the fantasy of toned beautiful bodies coming together in consensual adult sex than making money. I did all the preparations. I got the lube and plenty of condoms from the free clinic. I got scented candles and nasty seventies porn. I made several mixed c.d.s to play on the five disc boom box. I bought liquor, weed, pretzels, and poppers. I spent like $300 dollars of my own money.

I posted the sex party on several internet sites. I also sent out personal invitations to sexy pics I thought were worthy of my fantasy. I got back like 51 people who said there were interested. I knew only about half of them were serious. I figured since the party was free, I didn’t have to compete with bathhouse or bookstore.

Like I said, I had two really successful sex parties, where the people who said there were coming and came, every pun intended. The problem with sex parties is that nobody ever shows up at the designated time. So many people think of a sex party like a bathhouse, that they can go out to the club, get drunk, and show up at the hotel room 4 or 5 o’clock in the morning. Or if you specifically mention that the sex party will start at midnight, you still get niggas showing up at 1 or 2, thinking if they get their late, the party would be in full swing and they either get to watch or jump in. Another headache about sex parties, men lie and are finicky. It doesn’t matter if they confirmed their participation, they usually keep cruising the net and if they find something better, they don’t show up. Also, with a sex party the ratio of bottoms and tops is usually off. Sometimes you get too many bottoms, other times, you get too many tops or DL brothers who just want to stand around and watch. Sex parties are a fucking headache. There are no guarantees. And if the sex party is a complete failure, you get piss off niggas looking at you crazy for wasting their time. I also hate the first person to arrive to the sex party. He is usually anxious, keep asking when the others will arrive, you have to try to convince him to stay, that others will show. Some people in those world expect too damn much.

I can’t imagine what it’s like for those trying to make money off of sex parties. Recently, during my perusal of the many black gay web logs I came across the ridiculous “Sex police.” After some research, I found that it’s a website out of Atlanta and basically is asking for black gay men to report any solicited sex parties to their local sheriff’s office. Their argument is sex parties are illegal, dangerous and the cause of many HIV and other STD infections. I’ve gone to several sex parties, some very bad ones and some good ones. I never got anything. I got STDs from bathhouses or a drunken one night stand after the club. Sex parties usually are safe sex parties. Unlike the bathhouse or bookstore, the condoms are right in your face instead of in a bowl at the front desk. Also, because sex parties are more about groups, there’s the pressure of judgment. Sex parties are not dark or in a corner like a bathhouse or bookstore. My experience, unless it’s a raw sex party, the men are always safe. Ironically, sex parties are the safest form of gay sex because you have witnesses. You have other people watching, sometimes commenting. Sex parties are not wild irresponsible orgies, but really the opposite. In these times of bullying public service announcements, more men should have sex in groups, it’s only when you’re alone, that you fuck up.

I never thought of sex parties as illegal, but technically, if one pays to get into a “Sex party,” it is a basic form of prostitution, because it’s the exchange of money for sex. And the person hosting the sex party would be considered the pimp who is overseeing the exchange of money for sex. The patron, ironically, is the prostitute and the john. It’s really a legal loophole. If the host advertises his party as sex, that is if you give him money, he is supposedly promising sex. I’ve paid at least nine times throughout the years to get into a sex party, and to think I was prostituting myself is ridiculous. But if the sex party was raided, I would’ve gone to jail for an awful time in somebody’s basement. Most of the times, I didn’t even have sex. Sex parties aren’t sexy, their often fat and ugly regardless of what the host promises; and I hate checking my clothes to a stranger. Most of the people just stand around and wait for someone to get something started. I’m not saying I haven’t been to some very salacious sex parties, but more than often, I’ve been to more failures than successes.

So I had to ask, what’s the difference between a sex party and the bathhouse or bookstore? First, the bathhouse isn’t technically for sex, it’s a health facility that’s why they have a steam room and gym equipment nobody ever uses. The bookstore is exactly what it says it is, because the dirty magazines, the individual booths that specify “only one occupant” are all legal facades. We all know what goes on in a bathhouse or bookstore. I’ve had friend get arrested at a bookstore when it was raided. Yes, bookstores do get raided. Supposedly the key sign is, if they turn the lights on, get off your knees or pull your damn pants up. If you’re caught in a booth with someone with any type of exposure, it’s considered indecent exposure, a misdemeanor.

My advice, those who try to get paid by hosting sex parties need to learn the law and the legal loopholes. It doesn’t have to be called a sex party. Imply sex, but don’t promise. Make it a book reading party or a social group. Charge a membership fee and not a cover.

What I know for sure, Black gay men can no longer live the life of the down low anymore. The sex police are just another attack. We are not so invisible anymore. We are vulnerable. The supposedly sex police are not targeting gay men; they are targeting black gay men. We don’t have a voice. We don’t have a community. We barely have an identity. We are in danger, not just of HIV anymore, but going to jail and losing our living hoods. Don’t let them drag you out in handcuffs. Know your rights. Join a political organization. Don’t support the down low. Come out of the closet. Our secret isn’t our secret anymore.