Why am I still here?

It seems lately my blog has been about my ex. I guess for the tenth year breaking up is still hard to do. I mean we have been breaking up for fucking ten years and it’s nerve wrecking. Our relationship went from New Orleans where we met, to Chicago where I lived with him, to a long distance relationship when I moved back to Texas and then I moved to New York and then I moved back to Chicago with him and then I left him and moved back to Texas for Grad School and then I moved back to Chicago to be with him and then we broke up again and I moved back to Texas and then he moved to DC and a year later I moved to DC to be with him again.

Actually we living in DC has been the longest we’ve been together. I think its five years. Well, actually I didn’t move to DC to be with him, I moved because I had no where else to go. I love him, lord knows I do, but the fucking merry go round is enough to make me want to really hurt him physically.

Lately we’ve been arguing a lot. Actually I think the last year has been the worse of our arguments. He’s been distance, bored, detached, don’t want to touch or be touched. He looks at me like he just wants me to disappear but can’t find a place to hide my body yet. I look at him as judgmental, he always got something to say, he’s so fucking routine, that I should stay at my apartment more because he has too many rules for his damn apartment. It’s like living with your grandfather. I don’t need him. Those days are over. I used to need him financially because I was unemployed but that has changed.

The other night he wanted to argue because I decided to go to the bar which I’ve been doing a lot lately. He said he didn’t want me to come home drunk. OF course I was coming home drunk. He doesn’t like me drinking in the house. He says I get to talking and won’t shut up. He’s right. I guess I’m that cliché drunk. I like my rum and coke and start listening to music and suddenly I got an opinion on everything. I like to talk. I know it annoys the hell out of him because I’m disturbing his computer time of downloading porn all damn day. That’s all he does lately is download porn and illegal movies and music. It’s like he’s waiting to die or something. He just goes to work, come home, get on the computer, stay there until bed time, go to sleep on the couch, wake up, go to work and do the same thing everything day. He doesn’t want to go out; he hates restaurants, move theaters or anything with crowds of people. He doesn’t go to concerts because he says I just complain the entire time, which is true.

And we don’t have sex. We haven’t had sex in years. I always found him boring in bed, like it was a waste of my time. In the beginning I guess the sex was okay, but he wouldn’t grow. He wanted to do the same thing over and over again. Of course that led to WW3 with him. I first ignored then and then it just got insulting. I mean, there is more than one sexual position and he was so damn stubborn about it. He just refused change. IT was his way or no way. So it was no way and I started cheating.

Considering our arguments from the last couple of month, he is right, “Why am I still here?” I have my own apartment, I take care of myself, and there really isn’t any need to just hang around. I used to consider him my friend, like my best friend. I don’t really have any other friends anymore especially in DC. It’s just been us for the last five years. I do everything with my ex. I can’t just stop.

I guess what I can’t get through my head is that he doesn’t consider me his best friend. I think I just go that.

Breaking up is so hard to do. I can’t imagine what divorce would be like especially with kids. It’s enough to avoid love. Why do we fall in love? I’ve had this happen to me before and it took so damn long for me to get over it.

Damn, I just want him to act right, act like he used to act, why did he have to go and change. I just want to act right, be whatever he wants me to be without too much compromise and I went and changed.

And for your question “T*****” I’m still here because I don’t know how to leave. I mean I try. I try to put one foot in front of the other and it’s just like a dog chasing his tail. I keep going round and round. And then I’m also scared to leave because the second I do something will happen and I am back.

It’s like death. When my best friend Mita died it was hard in the beginning. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be with her anymore. I couldn’t hug or kiss her anymore. I missed her physically. I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call. I had to learn to live without her because she wasn’t there, anywhere only in my mind and dreams. But with my ex, he is still there. I can touch him but don’t. I can call him. He will pick up the phone but I can’t do it. It seems so stupid to me.

Somebody once said, the most difficult part of life is dealing with all the loss. One day he will look up and not have to ask why I’m not there, because I won’t be there. But I will always be there.