Sex change

I’m making the decision today to change my sex sites internet profiles. I really don’t use the internet to hook up as much as I used to. Actually I haven’t had a hook-up from the internet in over a year. What changed?

First, I guess I got tired of the energy it took. I would sit there with my cocktail and just go back ad forth from one site to the other, hoping for something tasty. I usually didn’t get tasty but fat and desperate, and as the day dragged on, I realize I had been sitting in front of my computer screen for hours, sometimes days especially when I was doing crystal meth. It seemed so unnecessary. I knew I could be out in the sun, at a movie, hanging with friends, instead I was feverlishly looking for sex. I started to dislike myself. I felt addicted.

Funny, every day I check my sex site messages. I guess it’s like checking my yahoo messages. Every day I sign on to all my sex sites. I’m not really looking, I guess I’m just seeing if anyone is looking for me. It feels good to get messages. I like the attention. It’s not about sex but the pic I have up is sexual. I laid across the bed buck naked. I know to a stranger it conjure pornographic fantasies. I’m selling sex but not really looking. I get all kind of crazy replies. They say stupid shit like “I could ride that all night” or “me and my boys are looking to cum bang that” or “I bet you can take some good dick.” Even if all the above is true, I’m not always in the mood. I feel guilty for have logged on because I don’t want to be a tease.

So what is my problem? I guess for me it’s all changed. A friend of mine hit me up the other day and he said he had been having a sex orgy for a week. He wanted me to join. I had no desire. I was’t the ho I used to be I guess. I couldn’t think of anything more boring than going to a sex orgy. I also knew he was lying about how many guys were coming over. They never show up and I’d just be at his house, getting high and trying to look for sex online. I didn’t want to waste the time. It’s all fantasy. I guess that’s the problem. Even gay men lie about their so called hot hook-ups. They exaggerate. I’ve exaggerated. But really, most of the time my online hookups sucked.

So what is my problem? I guess I’m trying to decide if I still want to play the game. I guess I’m trying to decide the new direction in my life. I was reading this book about energy and it really got me to thinking. I wanted to stay conscious of the type of energy people bring into my life and what I give out into the world. It’s said people either take or give energy. I never understood that more until I was in the hospital. I was sick and needed to recover but hospitals can sometimes be madness. They come in and just start poking, checking blood pressure and temptature, asking the same damn questions over and over again and making incorrect assumptions that constantly need correcting. And nurses were like one night stands, most of them just doing their shifts, rushing into the room to take blood or vital signs or give pills, but it was their energy with each nurse that affected me getting better. Some nurses were just bitches, they came in entitled like just because they went to nurse school for two months they were experts or something. They didn’t look you in the eye, they grabbed your arms aggressively, or where at little too aggressive, they ruined your entire mood for that five minutes. They came in and took energy because I went from sick to angry to frustrated to hopeless and depressed. I would feel so weak after those nurses left having to argue about my medication or something stupid. That I didn’t want the windows opened. That I didn’t want to walk around but sleep.

And then there were nurses who brought me energy. He came into the room and smiled. Who explained to me my medication. Who when I asked for a bucket of ice didn’t like at me like I just spit in their face. I felt safe when those nurses left. I felt rejuvenated and that would make me want to get out of bed. It would make me want to get better.

I know I probably just rambled there for a second but I guess that’s how I’m beginning to see my sex life. I’ve become aware of the type of energy people bring into my life and if it’s stealing or giving to me. I’ve had hook-ups that just drained my energy. Nothing went right and when the person left I would feel depleted. I’d never want to see that person again. And I’ve had hook-ups that were just beautiful. The person gave me energy because they showed up with no bullshit. They looked me in the eyes. There was a connection.

So what is my problem? What about me? I have to first recognize the type of energy I’m advertising. I guess my energy used to be just sex. It was that of a lost soul. I put up a lot of walls. I guess my energy had always been that of mistrust so I attracted a lot of bastards I couldn’t trust.

Honestly, I need to accept that I’m no longer looking for fast love. I’ve someone become a romantic. I’m looking for sexual rejuvation. But what happens when I get horny? I got no where with this blog. I just talked myself into a circle.