I haven’t learned a damn thing.

It’s been a year since I started my so called “recovery.” Since that time I spent a month in program. I went to AA and stayed sober for 90 days. And then started relapsing like crazy. I quit AA because I couldn’t deal with all those boring people and their boring stories and feeling like I wanted to drink more every time I left a meeting. Actually quitting AA helped my drinking a lot. I did less.

In the past year I’ve been fired from five jobs mostly due to illness. I was in the hospital five times this year. It was like once I gave up the drugs and alcohol my body went into shock. It was as if the addictions were keeping me alive or oblivious that my body was falling apart.

This past year I also started my mental illness medication. That was a rollercoaster ride. In the beginning, they had me on seroquel and I don’t recommend it. I also had to change my therapist because I felt she wasn’t listening to me. I wasn’t getting the help I need. I went on so many anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I kind of felt like a lab rat. It was ironic because the meds seemed to drive me more insane. I finally got a dosage my mind and body could handle. I finally feel somewhat balance.

I guess in reflection, I am still somewhat crazy. I still get drunk but not as often. I still fight to control it but I know deep down I just wanted to slow down not actually quit. I managed to slow down so I’m happy for now.

I am also happy I got my bipolarism and depression under control. I hated the depression. It’s so consuming. I haven’t thought about killing myself in months. I guess that’s progress.

I’m ready to move one with my life, focus on something different than my issues. I still feel very strongly about addictions and mental illness. It’s been really therapeutic talking about my issues this past year and if I bored anybody out there, go suck on it.

Now, back to the regular program.