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Life before the first drink.

After what happened this past Tuesday, I would think I’d know better. I’m beginning to realize it’s not about knowing better but wanting better. I liked to drink. I used to like to do drugs but the culture ended up getting on my nerves.

Before the first drink, right now I feel sober. I mean, I have energy, my mind is clear, I’m not hungover. But that’s tomorrow. Why am I drinking in the first place. It’s Saturday night. I’m bored. I want to go out and flirt and maybe pick up sex if I am lucky.

Of course after I pour myself the first drink I’m anxious. I pray the night want end with me over doing it again. The last time I drank I felt really suicidal. I mean it was after a liter and a half, but it scared me. I was hungover for three days. Well here is goes. I guess I should say goodbye to my sanity for now.


Drink 4, I just got back from the bar. I know it’s surprising that it’s drink 4 but I’m counting those drinks that were two as one because they were so weak. I guess I’m on drink five. But this is the crying part of my drinking. Well just tears. Not crying, nothing ugly, nothing babyish, just reminiscing. This is what keep me in the past. I think about friends I lost. Last week I dreamt my sister died and it brought me to my knees, so I’m on my 5th drink I think about how much I would hurt if it was real. I think about grandma. I think about how much I love my ex-lover. I guess my 5th drink is sentimental. But I know something my sinisiter is waiting around the corner. It’s sadness first and next is anger.
Should I stop drinking now, I ask myself, just go to bed, don’t piss anyone off, don’t go to jail, we will see.

Drink 6, all eyes on me. I’m sexy. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I just want to dance and feel good. Because I’m feeling so good right. I shaved in all the right places and want to show it off. I don’t care who, I just care how.

Drink 9, I’m home and pissed. Maybe I fucked somebody, who knows, who remembers. And now I feel lonely. And now this anger starts. I feel unappreciated. Why I can’t make them stay. Hmmmmm

And then the suicide thoughts start. Why couldn’t make you stay Mama. And I know what that means now. I drink to revist my pain of abandonment. If it ain’t there I will create. But why

Drink 10-11

And this is when I feel if I will be criying for the rest of my life. I try to be so quiet, have no issues, and the seconed I do everying have issues with me. It’s like please redo my resume but don’t act like you have no illegiencce. That’s my lie. And that’s why I have my drama, most ppl are dumb


Drink 12

Don’t know if I can’t type this. Maybe this I show we give up. He tells me to go to my apartment. When he knows that’s not finicially capapble. But maybe he doebns’t he cae. I tryt to make him think life is more than his issues. And when I want ot destry let me


Dtink 16


It’s 11 o’clcok in the morning and I still have enough bottle. I feel like a failure and on’t know why. But I know why. I call my ex and I like the fact he is still in love with me. And the world gets narrow. I need to get a job. I need t finish my novel. The last time it was I need go back to the pschtriatic hospital. But this time I’m learning to love myself. I want this experimient to be more dramatic. But sometimes we grow. .