Forgiveness, part II

Every morning I wake up (since I got fired from my job two months ago) I have to go through my forgiveness meditation. It’s basically because when I wake up I feel like shit. I hate everybody. I don’t want to open my eyes. I feel as if every thing around me is burning down. I’m late on my rent. All my bills are overdue. My relationship is over. And I’m a recovering addict. And then I want to either sleep more or find me a bottle of rum and weed and watch TV all day. But I did that for ten years so that makes me even more depressed that I wasted my life. That I was so stupid. So I go into self-pity mode for another thirty minutes after waking up, I may even cry a little. Instinctly I put the covers back over my head and sleep for another hour or two. I don’t want to deal with the world. I feel as if the world hates me. I feel like a freak. I just want to go back to sleep and not wake up.

An hour later, I started screaming at myself to get my lazy ass out of bed. That I shouldn’t waste my day. That I shouldn’t be so damn depressing and under any circumstances I will not drink that day. I hate drinking when I’m depressed. A depressed drunk is an annoying drunk.

I start my forgiveness meditation. It’s more of a prayer or release. When a negative thought enters my mind, and trust me I have a lot of them, I tell myself to forgive. It begins with me getting out of bed. I have to forgive myself for waking up. It sounds bleak, but when I open my eyes the reality of my life usually come rushing at me. It’s like waking up with the same headache everyday. I forgive myself for not having a better life. I tell myself its okay. And then I have to get out of bed. I hear the phone ring and I know it’s just a bill collector. I get pissed that they call so much because it’s not like I’m hiding money under my pillow or something. I need a job. I need someone to call me about a job. I forgive.

I believe forgiveness is about letting go what we can’t control. If we don’t learn to release we carry the issue and punish ourselves. And I get so tired of carrying bullshit that makes me feel worthless. I refuse to carry it any longer. So when I wake up in the morning, I know it’s there when I open my eyes, I pray that soon it will get better but for right now I forgive. I then jack off and take my shower and get ready for my morning talk shows and sending out my resume.