Back to reality

I’m trying to figure what I’ve learned since I began recovery almost a year ago. My knee jerk reaction would be I haven’t learned a damn thing. I know that’s a lie. It’s a hard road full of a lot of guilt and anger and depression.

I think the most important lesson of all I’m learning is to trust myself and know who I am. I trust I will not drink during the weekday because I know the consequences. It’s hard because my drinking schedule usually started on Wednesday but I had to change a few things in order to live. I trust that I’m the type of drinker who doesn’t stop at one bottle of rum. I drink literally until I pass out. It’s hell the next day trying to recover. I used to do that four or five times a week.

I’ve also learned forgives. I think forgiveness is most important. In the beginning of recovery, I was so damn hard on myself. I had so much to prove with my sobriety. I didn’t want anyone getting in their head that I was a drunk. I knew I was more. Yet, I struggled. I was so concerned what it looked like to recover, I wanted to be the “A” student of recovery that when I relapsed it sent me into a downward depression that was worse than the drinking. I wouldn’t talk or call anyone for days. I just walk around my house in shame because I failed again. I had to realize I wasn’t perfect. Forgiveness for me wasn’t an excuse to continue drinking, but that hug I needed to continue to try and get better. I have to love myself first. I can’t do anything unless I love myself first.

The last thing I’m learning is patience. I have none. I want the instant gratification. I’m a pleasure seeker. I can’t stand to wait for the miracle. I want to cut the line. But the truth, I can’t rush it. It’s not in my control. I just have to give in to it.

At first I thought recovery and rehab was going to be so Hollywood. On television and the movies they often make it look so sexy. Funny, what I’m having a hard time letting go is the Hollywood image. But I know the truth. I guess you can say that is something else I also learned this past year. Is truth. I started learning to tell myself and others the truth. It’s so powerful because I’m not healing a lie. I’m healing a human being.

For the future, I want to start setting goals. I guess that’s what I didn’t do when I started recovery in the first place. At first, I was so damn skeptical. I was also so afraid. I didn’t want to turn into bible carrying fanatic preaching about the devil ways. I still wanted to be cool and young.

For the future I want to practice “acceptance.” I can’t cry about it, I can scream and shout, but it is what it is, I am an alcoholic. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just the beginning.