Say What?

I got scolded again in one of my AA meetings when I brought up the issue of sex, this time it was in my Gay AA meeting which I thought they would be more understanding. I was told I’m focusing on the wrong issue, and I was like fuck you, every pun intended. I don’t get why I can’t talk about alcoholism and sex and how they are related. It’s very discouraging. I can’t even talk about it with my therapist. This reminds me I need to get a new therapist. It’s like the world is trying to silence me and its pissing me off. And just to piss more people off at AA, I’m going to the next five meetings and raise my hand to bring up the issue of sex again. I will kick bringing it up until they banned me from the DuPont Circle Club. I will not be censored.

The issue is this. Giving up my addictions, sex, drugs, and liquor, I guess I didn’t realize how much it would affect my life. I thought getting sober would be the key to my happiness, just the opposite; it’s only brought me more misery.

I thought abstaining from alcohol would fix my relationships yet recently another so called friend has stopped speaking to me. I mean after all the times I cursed him out drunk, insulted him, he picks this sober moment to end our so called friendship. I just brought up the fact much to his annoyance that the night I tried to kill myself I did call him. I actually called him all that weekend but he never picks up his phone. I mean, why act like you so damn surprised when that night we went to the movie you knew how depressed I was but he treated the situation so causal. And when I went missing for a month and we finally spoke again, I told him what happened, and he seemed all upset which confused me. I expected his reaction to be casual like all my casual friends, like “mike, you so crazy.” Instead what I got was attitude. He acted like he was so upset, yea get pissed off at the suicidal person, that’s fucking helpful. I mean I didn’t want him to give me a pity party, he asked, so I told him. It was no need for me to hide it. The next couple of days his response bothered me. I mean I was sober, I was in therapy, and I had been going to AA meetings with a couple of relapses because real recovery is a bitch. I’m not talking about that Oprah let’s pretend for the cameras “recovery” I mean the real deal. It ain’t fast, it ain’t cute, it’s emotionally exhausting, it’s physical because the body is going through a withdrawal and you will see who really loves you. I was happy I told that so called friend about my suicide because it showed me who he really was, I mean his bullshit. I didn’t understand why get upset when I called you. Why get upset when you purposely ignored my phone calls like he has the last couple of months. And he gives those bullshit excuses like he lost his cellphone, or he’s been really busy at work, or he’s going through something which I can understand, because we all have our moments but don’t act like you care more than you do. It’s insulting. So I called him on it. If I would’ve died he would’ve never known which put our friendship into perspective. My real friends after I go missing for a couple of weeks call. My real fucking friends actually worry. I mean I meant the dude on the internet; I really never took him serious. And that’s the thing about sobriety learning to be brutally honest. A lot of people aren’t going to like it.

It’s like when my sister. I had a relapse on my birthday after I spoke to her because she is bad for my soul. My soul can’t heal around her. She called me on my birthday and the first thing she said, “Are you drunk, I thought you be out painting the town red.” And she knew I just got out of rehab/mental hospital. She knew I was in AA and she just had to push “let’s piss off Michael” button.

I couldn’t understand why she would be so insensitive. Did she not take my recovery serious? Does she not take me serious? Do anyone fucking take me serious!!!!!!!!!
I mean what the fuck do I have to do? And that’s what pisses me off most about recovery and sobriety, it’s like everyone is waiting for me to go back to the old Michael. Or waiting to see if this time that “I changed” will stick. I’m actually also waiting to see if I’m really serious. I know I am. I’m just trying to figure it out.

And don’t get me started on my boyfriend or soon to be ex-boyfriend. When we argue he loves pointing out my flaws. He says I’m not taking AA serious because I’ve had three or four relapse in the last two months. I mean it’s like when a nigga join church everybody automatically thinks he’s going to become some saint. Maybe I joined church to get closer to go not become perfect. Just the fact I would go to an AA meeting the last two months is monumental change in my life. I’m in therapy twice a week and old antidepressants and antipsychotic and that’s major. I have been running from my problems since I ran away at fifteen years old and fifteen years later I’m just now dealing with it. You couldn’t tell me I had a problem a year ago. You couldn’t tell me I was an alcoholic, bipolar or skipzo a year ago. I’m trying.

Which brings me back to my original point, SEX. Now that I’m 75% sober, I don’t drink at least five days a week, maybe on Saturday; my sex life has been greatly affected. I mean I can’t do all the kinky stuff I used to do. I was high and drunk most of the times I did that stuff. It’s like I’m going to have to learn sober sex all over again and that just makes me nervous. It means I’m going to have to show up during sex. What the hell is that going to be like? I liked being high, because I was having sex with the person, they were just assisting my orgasm.

In order for me to have sex sober, I really have to be attracted to the person, which prevents me from being a whore. I can’t just get on the internet and hook up. I can’t just go to a sex party or bathhouse, that’s just tacky sober. And I’m also a very shy person.
I was molested. I normally don’t like being touched. I don’t like to kiss. I don’t like for anyone to look at me more than five seconds. I just think they are picking out flaws like one of my eyes is bigger than the other or my nose slighting leans to the right, or my ears are really small or my lips are to thin and often crack at the sides. And let’s not get me started on my body issues.

The other thing about being sober is that the liquor and drugs kept me very thin. I went from a size 34 to a size 30 without exercise. I hardly ate and especially on Crystal Meth, I could go without eating for days. And now that I’m sober, I can’t stop eating. I probably gained like seven pounds this last month. My appetite came back with a vengeance. I probably should start going back to the gym.

I wonder if I am focusing on the wrong things with my sobriety. I can’t help it, I’m extremely vain. Yes, addiction got me in a lot of crap I wish didn’t happened, but it became a lifestyle.

I guess it’s the change of lifestyle that got me really afraid. I don’t like change. I was comfortable. But I know I could no longer live that way, not just because it was court mandated. I was just tired of being sick and tired. Yet, I don’t want to become one of the “shiny happy people.” I hate those people. I liked my anger, depression, suicidal moments, slutty ways, free clinics, jail cells, mental hospitals, I thought my constant “fucking up” gave me charm.

Yet as said in the Joan Crawford movie, Mommie Dearest “When you were young you’re drinking was sexy. Now that you’re old, you just look like a drunk.”