Playing with fire understanding step 1

Step1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable

It's like i've been playing with fire and surprise i burned the house down. Every time i take a drink i know now i'm playing with fire. I'm burning down my life.

Coming back from the store, I saw my neighbor and she didn’t speak. She actually frowned at me. I knew the reason. She had to deal with the noise of my drinking, me yelling at the top of my lungs, just acting crazy. I felt embarrassed. I’m not alone in the world.

The first step: I admitted to myself that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable.

I don’t think I’m “powerless” over alcohol. I don’t need to drink every day. I only really drink about two or three times a week, but those days are more like binge drinking. I start with a rum and coke and don’t stop until I pass out.

I would admit that when I start drinking, it’s very difficult for me to stop. I don’t drink to have fun anymore. I drink to get drunk. I recognize that as a problem. I’ve been fooling myself over the last couple of years thinking my drinking was the same as when I was in college or clubbing. It wasn’t the same. I drink alone at my computer. It has no rhyme or reason to it. And then I get drunk and do shit I hate. I start calling people. I rehash old problems. I stop moving my life forward. It's like i'm stuck ing quicksand when i drink. It's like i'm stuck in a moment when i drink. When i'm drunk, i only live in the past, my sadness. I don't know why i need to keep revisting my sadness. I can't spend my entire life an abused child.

I admit drinking stagnated my life. But what life? I believe drinking has compromised or deferred me getting a life.

I don’t think my life has become unmanageable. I managed very well to be self-destructive. My life has always been somewhat unmanageable. It had always been chaotic. I had a crackhead mother. I come from so much drama.

So I have to ask myself, what type of life do I want? I want a respected life. I kind of feel I lost respect a long time ago.

I remember just before I got to DC, my ex was yelling at me that I was drunk, trifling, sad and I just sat there sipping my wine from a big gulp cup, thinking if I drank fast enough, the liquor would drown him out. It didn’t. He was right, I was a drunk. I was losing all respect.

And then I remember my mother, how others treated her because she was addicted to crack, like she was worth nothing. Others felt they were better. I remember hating being her son because I felt her addiction tarnished my life. I was guilty by association. That’s why I worked so hard in school, that’s why I tried so hard, because I wanted others to know I was nothing like her.

I don’t know how I ended up like my mother. I don’t know how I lost my self-respect. I’ve done so many stupid things drunk. I have allowed the liquor to steal everything, even my soul.

I admit binge alcohol consumption has unraveled and disrespected the possibility of me having a good life. I grew up in chaos. I don’t need it as an adult. If that means giving up alcohol, so be it.

It's like i'm playing with fire. I was an addict before i even took my first drink. I'm bipolar. I'm skipzo. I kind of feel most days i was set up to fail. I got to start fighting back. I used to think i drank because i was angry. I thought the alcohol made me brave. I'm beginning to realize it only made a coward. A coward too scared to take responsiblity for his life. That ends now. That ends now. That ends now.

Hi, I’m Michael Whitley and I’m an alcoholic. I've been sane 7 days now.