I hate this soberity.

I got pissed off in AA caused when i shared i asked now that i'm sober "what's going to happen to my sex life." And then some bitch going to say that she didn't think that was an appropriate question to ask in public. I was like, fuck you. I sit here and listen to ppl talk about when they drank they beat their wives, or when they were drunk they pissed on themselves, or all kind of crazy shit and i can't ask a sex question. I wasn't solicting for sex. I thought it was a legitimate question. i'm still single. i'm gay. I usually went about my sex life either online, parks, bookstores and bathhouses. does it mean i'm going to have to get a boyfriend? and how the hell does one keep one of those? omg, i'm going to have to get into a relationship.

This is my bitch rant, because I’m sober and it’s three o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. Maybe I should lay off the energy drinks. Damn they are expensive. I drink like three or four a day and that’s like eight dollars a day, 56 dollars a week. I’m not really saving that much money now that I’ve stopped drinking. Well a bottle of a liter of Bacardi is like fifteen bucks and four of those a week comes out to sixty bucks a week. And let’s not forget the bars, the tipping, so I guess I was spending like 150 bucks a week on drinking, which came out like six hundred dollars a month. So now that I’ve stopped drink, I look to save like four hundred dollars a month. Wow.

Well I got into my first fight with AA people today. It’s my fifth day of sobriety and I had important questions to ask. First it was my insomnia; I hadn’t slept in days even with the antidepressants and antipsychotic I take which usually with alcohol knock me off for days. Now that I’m clean, I only sleep like two hours a day. I only slept like five hours for three days. I guess it could be the energy drinks. But I was drinking those along with liquor; I guess they balanced themselves out somehow. I know liquor and weed is a downer. Well I got good feedback on my insomnia. I was told to take hot baths before bed, eat bananas and take one tablet of melatonin to get my body’s clock recalibrated. My body got used to passing out which is different from regular sleep.

And then my next question was what will happen to my sex life. I mean the last time I had sober sex I was like thirteen years old. The next year I discovered weed and cough syrup. And gay sex for me had always been with some type of drug or liquor and poppers. Am I supposed to give up poppers now that I’m sober? And what is really clean? I still use chemicals like caffeine and I’m only like six different antidepressants and antipsychotic. And mix that with ginseng and GNC men’s multivitamin pill and I must as well be high. Shit it’s a better high because I don’t have to worry about the hangover. Yet, I still miss liquor and the drugs.

And another problem I didn’t anticipate was “attention.” At the bars and clubs I got all my attention. I was the hot boy. I was the cute boy. I was the boy with six pack and nice ass. I got my attention from sex. I loved getting hit on. I loved walking in the club and have all eyes on me. And now that I’m sober, I can’t go to bars anymore. It’s just too tempting and I’m weak.

And now that I’m in these damn meetings, I feel lost like I’m back in middle school and nobody notices me. Alcoholics sober are very lonely and withdrawn people. And OMG are the fucking boring. Sometimes I think the meetings would be more interesting if some of them went back to drinking. When I’m in the meetings I try to imagine the former drunks when they were drinking. It makes my dick hard.

I got twenty five more days until I get my thirty day button and I will see what I’m going to do with my life after that. I don’t know if I’m going back to drinking. I don’t’ want to go back to my old life. I don’t want to go back to my old life.

I guess I will be abstinent the next 25 days. I need liquor, weed, maybe some coke, poppers to have sex. I hate sober sex. I need to address that problem.