How to make new friends

No one can go at life alone-- it isn’t wise or living life to the fullest. Life is about new experiences, challanges and the sharing of lives. Friendships are an important part of life. As a black gay man, I know first hand that it’s very difficult to find, make or keep good friends. I relocated from Texas to Washington D.C. over two years ago, and because of my walls and lack of trust; I made few real connections. I was an adult, graduated college, worked a 9-5, and pretty much declared that “Friends” was a show I'd rather watch in reruns on television than actually live. For the last two years, I spent two Christmas and a New Years Eve alone, been to few house parties or cards games, and haven’t really got to experience D.C. I’ve been to clubs, bars, bookstores and bathhouses, but no real connections. I would meet the person; we talk and make empty promises, but no real connections. I was beginning to feel lonely. All my friends were in different cities. I clung to my college memories. Yes, I still loved my friends but they were in a different city. I couldn’t go to the movies with any of them on a Friday night. I couldn’t hang out at their house. I couldn’t go to their birthday parties without a two week notice so that I could get a good price on an airline ticket. The friends I made in high school and college were now just phone calls about missing each other and promising to visit. I needed friends in my own city, neighborhood. I was cheating myself by clinging to the past. I wasn’t claiming or living my life to its fullest. I was stuck.

It’s hard to make friends as an adult, let alone if you add black and gay to the challenge. It was so much easier when I was in school. It was easier to trust because there was a defined common denominator. We were in college. We had dreams and aspirations. Under normal circumstances, adults make new friends through their job. I was gay and hated my job. I worked in corporate America, and the people just wanted to do their jobs and go home. I also didn’t want people at work to see me as a person, but my job title. Work was a job, not my social life.

So what is it that a black gay man who is new to a city or looking to expand their life with new experiences to do to make new friends? I knew I was going to have to step out of my comfort zone. I was going to have to put myself out there. It’s like dating.

First, it begins with a decision. I had to decide if I really wanted to make new friends and I did.
Second, I had to understand my motivation of why I wanted to make new friends. I knew it was risky, because opening up to a stranger as a grown black man isn’t easy. I was independent and self sufficient with nothing to prove and had a very low tolerance for bullshit. I knew I could be easily turned off or discouraged. I had become shy and reserved. I wonder what I had to offer.
Truth: You can make more friends in a shorter time by becoming interested in other people rather than trying to get other people interested in you. Get to know people that you would find interesting. I like writing, fashion, old movies, art, sex, and just interesting things. I seek out interesting people. If I see a guy at the club who is dressed uniquely, I approach him, give him a compliment, and try to start a conversation.

All relationships begin with a conversation. Why should people be interested in you, unless you are first interested in them?

Know who you are:
Its different making friends as an adult. First, there’s nothing to prove. Second, we all have our own agendas. I remember my grandmother used to say when I was young, “that there is no such thing as friends, just your family.” I think that’s the key. You want to choose your family. A friend should be someone that’s reliable, considerate, reciprocal, will call and give you a card on your birthday, say congratulations when needed, a friendly ear, a good support system and trustworthy. As an adult we have different levels of interaction. We have associates, co-workers, and people we just know. Don’t confuse those people with a friend. Good friends are your chosen family. Making a new friend is a lot like dating and falling in love. It’s not romantic or sexual love, but spiritual. Your friends should make you feel good about your self not bad.

So where does a gay man start?
The problem with gay men is sex. We often let sex complicate and limit our lives. Not everyone has to be a conquest. Not everyone has to be your boyfriend. Some people aren’t looking for a relationship. Some men are already in a relationship. It doesn’t mean a friendship can’t exist. Be honest and upfront what you are looking for. Be honest with yourself and don’t lie. If you are attracted to the person, deal with it. Sex doesn’t have to be the murderer of a potential friendship. Personally, I think good friendships should be non-sexual. Keep it simple. And you can make a friend anywhere. It all starts with a compliment like “I think you’re interesting, cool, I love your book or poetry, I like your hair, style; you are really attractive, so tell me about yourself.” It’s getting to know a person you find interesting. Then you have to ask yourself, is this worth getting to know deeper.

People find it difficult to make friends. Perhaps they are shy, or feel they lack the social skills to start a conversation. Suggestions include:
Join groups that share your common interests. Talking about one of your passions, such as fashion or writing short stories, for example, can help give you confidence to talk about other things with potential new friends.
The internet, specifically web logs are a good place to find and meet new people in your city. Friends should be people you can actually hang out with and not just chat with on the internet.
Watch and learn from gregarious people who make friends easily.
Practice looking people in the eye when you talk to them.
Listen to what others are saying, rather than focusing on your own self-consciousness.
Smile. Alwasy smile. Be Friendly and considerate.
Look for anyone else in the room that seems socially awkward, and approach them for conversation.
When you talk to someone new, ask them questions about themselves or what they like to do; it's a good way to get started.
Social skills can be learned with practice. You have to put yourself out there.
If you find a person interesting, and give him your number or email, use it immediately. That’s the worse thing about gay life. We don’t follow through. And don’t just call to ramble, but have a specific topic or reason in mind. Making new friends is lot like dating. You only get a few chances to make a good impression. Be interested in the person and not yourself.

My favorite is after meeting a cool person and exchaning numbers, then having a phone conversation, set up a friend date. It's basically getting together to hang out. It could be to go to a movie or something really creative. It’s all about building experiences.Under no circumstances other than a real emergency or death, do not stand the person up. Rejection is hard to get over. Don't be finicky. Don't be an asshole. You have to follow through.

Keeping friendships is also important. Suggestions include:
Appreciate your friends - don't take your friends for granted. Take the time to thank your friends for enhancing your life, in whichever way suits best - for example, inviting them over for dinner for no other reason than to have fun together.
Offer time and attention - friendships need to be nurtured. If you are consistently too busy to give time to your friends, they will one day move on without you. Ensure you make friendship an important priority. Actively listen to your friends, and show your interest and enthusiasm in their lives.
Be compassionate - people make mistakes. Sometimes, a friend may do something of which you don't approve. Put yourself in their shoes - would you want condemnation or forgiveness from those who are supposed to love and care for you?
Don't abuse trust - for example, if a friend tells you a secret, keep it to yourself. You might think you're building relationships with others by sharing gossip, but you're actually ensuring that others won't trust you enough to tell you anything. And if your friend finds out you abused their trust, your relationship with them is as good as over.
Control jealousy - you may want your best friend to be 'faithful' to you, which means you experience jealousy if they have other close relationships. Learn to appreciate that love for friends - like love for one's children - can be limitless.
Remember Birthdays. Always remember its maintenance. You have to nurture the friendship. Friend dates and surprises are always good. Listen and confirm you heard them.

Remember that not everyone is going to be your best friend, but it is possible to meet a lot of cool people. Don't expect instant results - good friends aren't made overnight. Sharing your deepest secrets in one night won't necessarily create a close friendship. It may even drive the other person away. Take it slowly. Divulge '"safe" secrets first, and allow the relationship to hold some weight before you share the meatier issues in your life.

Don’t be too needy in the beginning. Don’t go into your personal issues or the drama of your current relationship. Don’t’ take anything for granted. Don’t call them at five o’clock in the morning. Be an adult. Don’t be a problem child that needs too much attention. It’s about getting to know cool people not excising your insecurities and hangouts. Don’t be argumentative. Be opened minded. The most important, don’t compromise yourself - each one of us have standards of morality and behavior. Don't allow yourself to compromise yourself for the sake of 'fitting in' with a group. If you don't do drugs, don't. Be honest. If you like sex, don't join a bible group. If you like clubs, don't pretend otherwise.

Always remember we can’t go at life alone. Friendships need love, time, reliability, attention and trust if they are to survive. Don’t be afraid to trust and see the good in people.