Writer in Exile, day 5

i woke up this morning and realized i'm liking this self-imposed exile. I have reduced my communication to fifty percent. I guess by next week it will be a hundred percent.

i'm realizing why i'm in exile, i think it's for the transition. i need time for me to be alone.

funny, i also realized this morning that it will take twelve thousand dollars to change my life's direction in regard to where i live and getting out of debt. but will the money really change my life or have i learned why i made the mistakes in the first place.

i was reading up on happiness the other day, there's something called "destination addiction" which is how people basically feel as if their chasing happiness or it's a destination. As if they get the promotion they will be happy or in my case i finally got my book deal i would be happy, but if i stoped all the distractiosn and noise i would realize i'm already happy.

hmmm, i wouldn't say i'm happy, i'm concerned, i'm distracted, shit i'm going through a break up. i'm trying to get toxic people out of my life and stop unproductive behavior.

i look at my energy, i used to go out to the clubs four times a week, which meant five days out of the week i was getting fucked up or recovery. That's more than seventy percent of my energy that's wasteful. it was fun but wasteful.

i'm tired of complaining and i really wouldn't be that concerned if life hadn't taken the "thirty year old" twist in the road. It's like all my friends have changed. We are no longer college kids and it's not just keeping up with the jones but disrepect. i'm feeling so much disrepect like everybody is treating me like the kid or something. I called my friend Sha the other day about some emergency i was having, and she blew me off, thought i was overreacting or drunk or high.

that's so fucked up. it was a monday morning so why would she just assume something like that, and it's not just her, it's like everybody and they think i don't see it.

these days everybody is busy and they go on and on how fucking busy and important thier lives are, so i've decided to become busy and important too. i'm unavaliable. adult friendships are so weird and i thought high school was over.

i'm learning as an adult male i can't be vulnerable anymore, it's all about reputation and respect. it sucks but it's true. you can't no longer just kid around, funny i was at a dinner party and everybody seemed so concerned with how others were perceiving them. when i ordered a cocktail, first there was a hush, like nobody wanted drink around each other or show thier true colors.

life is so changing.