Day -9

I'm counting back now. I'm no longer calling it "writer in exile" but it's more like "soul in exile"

i found a really great psychtrist this week. I think he's going to work out. i don't believe in taking prescription medicince. i tried that. it made me feel weak and tired all the time and when i stop taking it made me feel suicuidal. i want behavorial therapy. i need to talk it out. i need to write it out. that makes me feel stronger.

it's a good day because i'm finally understand and facing me without the smoke and mirrors. Some people think me writing this candid blogs is about me putting my business out there. So not true. I'm not giving specifics, i'm revealing insecurities. I'm hoping in a way not to only save myself one day but use these revelations to help others. I get so tired of reading somethign where a person killed themselves because they didn't reach out. It's hard to reach out when you get older because it's so much more you have to hide. Nobody wants to be weak. Nobody wants to be disappointed. It's like after 23 we all pretend that we're so busy and important. Yet too many of us are suffering in the darkness.

life is hard. it's so fucking hard. it's like you keep thinking you get to a point where it's figured out but you realize the floor keeps slipping away. i don't know shit. i'm a student everyday.

so what is it that i want to say on day 9. hmmmmmm. i want to forgive. i want to get healthy. i want more to be stable than successful. i don't care about being such a great writer. i don't care about being rich. I don't care about having the perfect relatinoshiop or life. if i can just wake up and like me, that's good enough.

i'm getting there. i am so getting there.