Writer in Exile, day 4

this weekend taught me that i'm not as stupid as i think i am. i mean i have money but i'm suddenly thinking about the bigger picture. normally, i would've got me some hotel, bought like a hundred dollars of weed and a half of Tina, a liter of rum, and fucked until monday morning then drag myself home against the burning sun.

but i didn't do that. i put that money aside, paid off some credit cards, and started plotting my future. i want to be happy, that' s what i beginning to realize. i want the house, the yard, cool as dinner parties, i want that shit.

and i''m not going to feel guilty. funny a drug friend called me this weekend, actually he harassed me this weekend, and i almost gave in to it. but i started think, why did i attract that person in my life. why is that i have so many around me who don't want a life for me. we just use and we use and be used. i'm so tired of that. i'm so tired of those people who don't think i want a life, or want the best for me. i see it now. i can't pretend that i dont' see it. steven told me getting healthy isn't a easy thing. it's hard. it's hard. some days, i just want to go back to the abuse, i know the abuse, but i'm tired of hurting. this weekend, it was beautiful. i feel proud of myself. i said no.