Day 3: The Purpose Driven Life

"What Drives my life"

Day 3 or chapter 3 was the easiest of the questions. I know i'm mostly driven by anger, hurt, my past, more haunted than anything. It's very hard to let go. i remember i was at the dentist for a tooth cleaning and she made the comment that when i was a child i must've not gotten very good nutrition because the enamel in my teeth were very weak and soon all we have to be replaced.

I remember sitting in the chair and tearing up when she stepped out the room. It was as if my past was coming back for me again. I grew up poor. The first time i went to a dentist i was in college. I never got my teeth cleaned as a kid. Nobody cared what happened to me as a kid. I didn't go to doctors. If something happened, I was told to just deal with it. I needed a hearing aid for my right ear since i was five years old. My grandmother woudl tell me that i was faking not being able to hear and every year when we had to do those day physical tests, they sent the same report home. I couldn't hear in my right ear.

I've blamed my family for a lot not just the childhood abuse, physically and mentally but also not preparing for adulthood. It was as if i became a slave after my mother abadoned me. That's how i began to see myself, trapped. I saw my entire life as a fucking prison. I couldn't trust anyone. Not anyone. Not even myself. I only saw life as bars and walls and prision guards and thieves and hustlers and overseers. I couldn't even trust my heart because i knew if it accepted any kindness it would make me weak. I told myself very young to never fall in love. I saw how men in my family loved. I saw them beat their wives and cheat. I also hated my mother. I told myself to never fall in love because if i did and it didn't work out, i didn't know what i would i do. I knew i probably kill.

hopesslessness has driven my life. i figured a person like me was never supposed to be happy. happiness for teh shiny happy people. I could only feel artificial happiness. i knew i could only feel happiness if it wasn't real. If i knew it wasn't real. I had no friends. I had no family. I could trust that. Everyone left me. Everyone was selfish. Everyone wanted something or needed something and i could trust that. That was my jail. That was my sentence. I didn't know what i did but i knew i was born into it and i could survive within it.

i've been a terrible friend. i've been a terrible brother and son. I have to curse everyone out. I have to fight everyone. I've been a terrible employee. i've been living my entire life like i'm in prison and there's no way out. It's been frustrating.

the only way i've known how to escape is mentally: alcohol, drugs, sex. Every day i've waken up i've just wanted to scream. I walk down the street and i feel everyone watchign. I feel as if everyone making sure i don't escape. So i stay quiet. I disappear. I plot because i feel everyone is plotting against me.

So what does this say about waht i feel about God today? I felt god forsaken me and i never understood why. I've actually felt as if God hated me, wanted me to fail or was just setting me up to fail just to fuck with me. To give me just a little and then take it all away. Or if God gave me anything, I was just going to destroy like an ungrateful child.

i'm begining to realize my relationshiop with life has been like my relationship with God(universe), very tempermental. It begs the question, what would it take for me to forgive God. I i used to think to myself it would take money, fame, recognition, soberity but honestly, what is that i think i need to forgive god for? My life. What is it do i think God owes?

I used to be driven by anger and underneath the anger was loneliness. I thought god abadoned me a long time ago. I thought that before i decided with a whole heart if i believed in god or not.

Now that i'm older, wiser, i know that God has never abadone me, i abadoned God. I turned my back. I stopped living my purpose.