Seven pounds

Am I a good person?

I saw the movie “Seven Pounds” this weekend and it was a really good movie. I also saw the “Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and “Slumdog Millionaire.” All three were very profound and got me to think about my own life and position in the universe. Seven pounds demands the question “Am I a good person?” What if you’ve done something really terrible? What if you’ve done something that you feel as if you can never forgive yourself? How do you correct the tragic mistake? I wouldn’t go as far as the character in “Seven Pounds” but I understood his intentions. I’m not going to give the movie away, but he sacrifices parts of himself to give new life to those who he figures are “good people.” It’s kind of like playing god on human terms.

I used to fear that one day I might need a new liver. I did a lot of drinking in my early youth, so I question if I lived to be in my fifties and need a new liver would I deserve it. I guess some people would say it was my own fault. I guess those people would be playing god on human terms. What makes a good person? Good people have really bad shit happen to them every day. When I was a child, I once felt my heart was too pure. It was so fragile. I felt as if some family members took advantage. When I was a child with a pure heart, I felt vulnerable and weak. I had a hard time of saying no, but others didn’t have a hard time of exploiting my kindness. I learned to say no.

I remember when I first moved to the big city from Texas. I moved to Chicago. I would walk down the street and smile and say hello to every stranger. In Texas, that’s normal. One day I said hello to the wrong person. He asked me if he could use my phone. I didn’t think too much about it. It turned out he was a crackhead. I decided to help him. I called shelters for him. I gave him half of my clothes. I fed him. He then just started showing up unexpected with some woman. I would go downstairs and ask him to leave. It started to get weird. A month later, the bastard broke into my apartment while I was at work. He had been using that entire time to figure out my schedule to rob me. If I would’ve just ignored him, I could’ve avoided getting my laptop, camera and other stuff stolen.

I don’t believe in Karma. Yet, I do believe when you harm those who have been nothing but kind, that will come back. You will have to make amends. I guess, that’s Karma.

I used to be a good person, and then things got really muddy. All my hate and rage begin to surface. I hated being so damn angry all the time. I just didn’t want to be around people. There are so many toxic people in this world, if I took everything personally, I might go ballistic.
I don’t’ want to be a good person who starts doing bad things. To remain good in such a cruel world is a burden. I once talked to my grandmother and asked her how one gets through life with their soul intact. She said, one has to learn how to deal with lost. My grandmother was a Buddhist even if she didn’t know it. Buddhism is all about the end of suffering. It’s removing all human attachments to achieve Supreme Being. It’s not easy. Every day I practice the end of suffering not just with my chants and meditation, but also how I touch and am touched by those around me. If the cashier at the grocery store has a bad attitude, I don’t allow her mood to hold me; instead I return it with a gentle smile. I want her to understand; I understand and don’t take it personally. It’s not easy because some people I really want to bitch slap. Yet, I’m learning not to allow those to reel me into their bullshit. Some people really go looking for fights. They will go on and on, try their damnest to get a response and when you don’t give it to them, they get even angrier. I’m learning to back away. (Become actualize, conceptualized, keep my sanity).
I’m learning to pick my fights wisely. I will only fight if its defense of my life or love one, not pride. I don’t need pride. I can always lose pride.

So to answer my question, am I a good person, I would say conservatively yes. I give money to the homeless with no judgment. I’m only good to good people. I guess that’s me practicing God on human terms.