Obcessive Impulsive Personality Disorder

I made the greatest discovery when I introduced myself to happiness.

I finished reading a book by Dr. Gary Zukav (Mind of the Soul). I’ve actually read all of his books. In one chapter, he challenged the reader to see how he or she saw themselves in the universe. I immediately thought I saw the universe against me. I thought god was against me. I’ve always thought God was against me. If I thought God was against me, I’ve always seen myself as a victim. Yes, I had the best excuse like my shitty childhood. Yes, growing I felt I was an easy target not having parents or anyone to protect. It was like I was easy prey as a child. I had teachers abuse me. I come home with bruises on my arms and no one noticed. I was molested for like four years and no one noticed. I move from one foster home to the next foster home, from one family member to the next family member, from one abuse situation to the next abuse situation. I stopped trusting people at eight years old. I fucking hate people. I’m always waiting for someone to disappoint me. I’m always waiting for someone to reveal their true selves. I didn’t believe the good in people. I thought it was a world get or get got.
And then I feel in love. I fell in love first with this girl, Mita. I couldn’t believe she didn’t want anything form me but to love me. To make me better. She became my soul teacher. She became my soul healer. She allowed me to trust. And then I fell in love with this guy. The same guy I’m with now. It was hard loving him. It was hard giving him love. I thought I couldn’t deal with another heart break.

Funny, yesterday I was watching Oprah and the show was about “OCD.” I understood the personality disorder but from a different perspective. OCD people have a need to control the world. I realized I was the opposite. I gave up on the world a long time so I had a need to be out of control in the world. I didn’t feel the need for responsibility because I felt everything about life was meaningless. I figured we all die. That life was just one lost after another. I got tired of abandonment. I couldn’t trust. I didn’t believe in God. So life to me was meaningless for a long.
I would consider myself with Obsessive-impulsive personality disorder. It’s like I had a need to continually to fuck up. It’s the typical rebel without a cause. I just liked to rebel. I just like to fight back. I guess in some weird way in my head that makes me feel control in a universe I always felt was so out of control. I don’t care about much. I can sleep on floors. I can eat out trash cans. I can be irresponsibly sexually, because I don’t care for the rules. I always figured the rules weren’t for me. Yet, like those with OCD, I became a prisoner of my impulsiveness. When I don’t want to go to work, I don’t go. When I don’t want to pay a bill, I don’t pay it. When I don’t’ want to pay rent, I don’t pay it. When I don’t want to have friends, I curse them out. I can never be in a relationship because I need to act on my impulsion. I had a hard time getting sober, because I needed to act on my impulsions. My impulsions became my sex addiction. I think most addicts suffer from obsessive impulsive disorder.

I had to learn that I can’t control, because I don’t want to control. I saw the universe out of control. I saw myself as so insignificant. I figured I would die a John Doe and no one would notice I was even here. Yet, things have changed. That’s what I loved about getting help and education. I knew things needed to change. I constantly challenge my personality and ego. Like an OCD person who needs to trust their ritual behavior is inhibiting, I need to understand my uninhibited behavior can be counter productive.

I’ve became good at sticking to my schedule. Its simple things like brushing my teeth everyday. It’s taking a bath everyday. It’s making up my bed everyday. Some people thing that’s normal, but I’ve gone weeks without brushing my teeth or taking a bath. I would eat off the floor. I would sleep on dirty sheets. I didn’t care. I used to not be able to walk away from confrontation. I needed to destroy people I felt were out to get me. I became somewhat schizophrenic. I figured if I was pushed, I needed to push back. I hated that part of me. I hated that prison.

Freedom is the sacrifice for love. Prison is the acceptance of hate.

I don’t feel so out control anymore. Yet, I still worry. When I go into self-imposed exile is because I felt out of control. I go silent to get my mind together. I stay away from those I feel are toxic. Yet I recognize if they trigger part of my counter productive personalities. I don’t give that power away.

Yet, I’m quickly learning control. I fear when I start working again how long will it be before I start acting up. I’m convincing myself I am not a fuck up. I’m convincing myself I’m a good person. How long will it before I get fired for not showing up on time or not showing up at all. I can’t start friendships because I fear how long it will be before I do something crazy. How long will I be before I fuck up again?

I told my psychologist that my problem wasn’t success; it was getting everything and then burning it to the ground. I’ve done it some many times
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Now every morning when I awake, I say to myself I need to believe. I believe there is a god. I do believe the universe has purpose. I do believe I have purpose. Yet, it’s a fight. Today is a good day. I’m sober. I’m home, sleeping in my own bed. My clothes are clean. I have food in my refrigerator. Life is good. I plan to keep it that way.