Believe it

I believe.

I do believe true change is possible. Yet, real change is not easy. First, I’m beginning to realize it’s not about me re-wiring my brain. I’m created this way, nature vs. nurture for a reason. I’m going to have to learn to use my soul to create the purpose of my personality.
As the year comes to an end, I’ve been somewhat successful. I’m dramtically different than I was a year ago. I’m healthier. I’m sanier. I’m more sober.

Yet, I still have setbacks. This weekend I can say was a setback. The more I recover, I find it’s so damn easy to take five steps backwards. The more I try to repair old relationships, I find it’s so easy to fuck them up again. I try so damn hard, yet I feel as if one mistake, one resemblance of old Michael Whitley behavior and I’m like, I haven’t changed at all. It kind of feels like I’m fooling myself.

Yet I must believe. I know my intentions are truly genuine. I will win this battle, with my past, my pain, my addictions and mental illiness. I will win, or die trying.