I am a fighter, there is no turning back

Well I finally got myself a new therapist. I just felt like I wasn’t being listened to or help. I felt my psychiatrist get throwing drugs at me like I was a lab rat to see what worked and didn’t work. And my therapists she made me feel like she was just recording statistics. They were both recommended by the hospital after I checked out of the mental hospital back in September. They were what my insurance covered. At first I just went with the flow. I really didn’t take my mental illness that serious. I figured I’d probably like the drugs once I amped them up with the street drugs I was already taking. But as in previous blogs I stated, that was a HUGE mistake. I almost went crazy. For an entire day when I mixed alcohol, seroquel and crystal meth I felt as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest. It was horrible. I realized I couldn’t “use” and be on anti-psychotics, so I gave up the anti-psychotics. But that was before I got deep into recovery. When I finally gave up the streets drugs and drinking, I went back on antipsychotics. I didn’t like it. I was sober. I only acted up when I was really drunk. I figured I could make it on my own without any influences. I guess because I was already an addict, I knew I would just start abusing the anti-psychotics. I actually found out that if I mixed the Paxil, energy pills and drank red bulls all day, I’d get the best highs. So I decided to just go cold turkey.

Of course when I told my therapist she adamantly was against it. I’d just pour the pills down the toilet.

I was walking to work this morning and I thought of my sister. She’s on the same anti-psychotics I was on. She claims she can’t live without hers because she is afraid of going back to the old addict she used to be. I don’t think she fully understand her disease. But I’m glad she finally got help. I’m glad I finally got help. Funny, we both ended up at the mental hospital after suicide attempts. I guess suicide runs in my family. I wish my family was closer so I could get more answers.

The reason I thought about my sister was because living in darkness and not knowing what’s going on with you is awful. I suffered with it for ten years before I got answers. And it feels so good to have answers. I’m not completely sane or sober, but I have answers.

I don’t plan to ever go back on the drugs. I just plan to continue with my therapy. I really don’t believe every bipolar person needs to be on drugs. It’s just a process of learning to control one’s emotions and irrational fears.

I know I’m aware because a year ago I could have never been able to write this blog. I just thought I was lost and hopeless. And I knew it was getting worse. But somehow I stumbled on the education and began the healing process. I know there are others out there suffering and not really knowing why. I pray they find the light exactly when they need it most.