Gotta go

And then I asked myself how do you commit yourself? My relationship with Thomas is getting really complicated in the end. I don’t know how it happened. I mean it’s been so rocky the last couple of years. We are not romantic. Two weeks he pushed me down on the floor. I jumped up and grabbed him by his throat and choked him. I looked down on his and saw the fear in his eyes like he was so tired of his life it didn’t mattered if I killed him. I let him go. He threatened to call the cops if I didn’t go home. I told him it was four in the morning and the trains didn’t start until five. It had been like the fifth time he’s threatened to call the cops on me in a month.

Somebody asked why we are still together. We aren’t together. We don’t even sleep in the same bed. Tom sleeps on the coach. Somebody asked me why I still stay there when I have my own place. At first it was because of habit. I mean we had a routine. I guess also I didn’t take our breakup that serious. I thought it was the neighbors who were trying to get rid of me not Tom. Now I feel different. I stayed so long because I felt I still needed him. I guess I wanted to need him.

I’m also afraid I can’t make it on my own. At tom’s he cooks dinner, he washes my clothes, folds them and put them in the drawer. It was a great situation. He picked me up off the floor when I got too drunk. He took really great care of me and of course I abused the hell out of it.

But it’s over. I need to get the point through my thick stubborn head.