It's never over

I say people do dumb shit all the time. I think about the weed smokers how they sit in front of their television and just get high, giggling like the crazy man at the rain. People jump out of planes just for the thrill. We get tattoos, body piercings or ridiculous plastic. It’s in human nature to be dumb. I say we do dumb shit all the time because it’s fun and life boring. I remember when I turned twenty-five years old and realized I was so bored. I figured there was nothing more to life but I had to keep living so I started doing a lot of dumb shit. I started drugging and drinking. I started having a lot of promiscuous sex. I started getting into the fights just collect wounds. I started self-mutilating. I considered it fun. I liked the thrill. I liked feeling like a badass

I believe we are all addicts. Some people just haven’t found their addiction, that insanity or dumb shit. I found mine accidently. I really didn’t have my first drink until I was twenty one years old. But it hit me like a brick.

This past week I hit another wall in my so called recovery. Actually I relapsed badly. It’s not what most people would think of a relapse because it was very quiet and intelligent. I knew something was going on so I tried to isolate myself from the human race as quick as possible. Funny, before I knew I had relapsed, I was already drunk. I was already falling down drunk. Of course I tried to continue with my life, waking up the next morning and going to work. That was a mistake. I hurt somebody I liked feelings. I gave myself another reputation. I didn’t plan any of it. I was just doing some dumb shit.

It’s never over, this annoyance that seems to keep taking over my life. I just want to have fun. I don’t want the rest of the crap. It’s never over.