Confessions of a Bottom

Bottoming.


At sixteen, I was a “virgin bottom” basically uncharted territory. I had sex with virgin girls before, so I knew it would be somewhat painful, but it was fucking painful. It didn’t help that I was drunk and we were in the back of my 1990 Chrysler Laser outside my Sister’s apartment. I wasn’t prepared for what it would do to me emotionally. I had allowed another being into my body physically and it was as intrusive as a knife. I hadn’t given much thought how I would have gay sex for the first time. It happened so fast. I met him at a club, I had a rum and coke, my hormones were so enraged, I was looking for the attention. I was clueless but I wanted it. He never called me again. It traumatized me for years. I didn’t trust men for years.

After my first experience I became what I call “a bottom phobic.” I ain’t going to lie, my first time was painful and I thought I’d never do it again and I didn’t for six years. I was afraid. And it was more than just the pain, I was afraid of being vulnerable again, or being tricked again. The guy who was my first was just in it for the booty. I was young and I liked him, and I thought we might hang out. I thought he’d try to get to know me. He only knew my first name. He didn’t even know I was still in high school and he was twenty two years old. I only knew that he was cute, had a great body, was in the military and I was just another horny teenager. Nobody warned me. We didn’t have lube. We used spit. He was more than well endowed. I had no bottom secrets like remembering too breathe and push out when he pushed in. So I became a “bottom phobic.” I didn’t want to be the girl. I didn’t want my masculinity compromised. There were so many fears like if I enjoyed it I might become a drag queen or transsexual. I also feared my friends finding out and thinking that I was weak. I didn’t want the stigma of being a bottom. I didn’t want to be the girl.


I wasn’t going to let some guy hurt me. I wasn’t going to let some guy used me. I had so many fears, most of them just in my head, but I guess I was just waiting for the right guy I was so afraid of being a bottom again that I needed to face my fear. I didn’t want to be afraid of anything.

I found a person I would try it with again and that was my first “real” boyfriend. I was twenty two years old. We dated for like three months before we had sex. It was the beginning of my sexuality because of my willingness to experiment. We read about it. We bought a very small dildo. He had an average size penis so I wasn’t so afraid. We started really slowly. He had to gently insert his penis. I remember if he shoved himself in, I feel that pop, and I’d scream out in pain. In a sense we were both still virgin bottoms. I needed to stretch the muscle. I was still an “ouch, stop” type of bottom. My hole hadn’t yet learned to accept a dick. It mistrusted. It took me a good time before I became comfortable with being fucked. It was mental exercise along with a physical exercise.

After we broke up, I found myself having to deal with ignorant tops. They would rush. They didn’t care about hurting me. They would shove their dicks in me not caring that brought me intense pain. I had to curse out too many tops. I had to ask other bottoms what to do. As a bottom, I learned it just couldn’t be my secret. I had to find other bottom friends. That’s how I learned to be a good bottom, from another bottom.

It took about a year or two before I became a “comfortable bottom.” I knew how to prepare myself. I need how to let my body submit. I thought I truly started liking to be penetrated when I was a true vers. I guess I liked the even playing field. It was more attractive to me to share what I considered the power in sex. I felt more at ease if I gave up ass and I also got to fuck the guy. The only problem, as a bottom, I was still thinking with my dick. I had yet to explore my hole. I saw a porn flick and the guy getting fucked was stoking his dick. I decided to do it. The orgasms were great. I found it frustrated a lot of tops because with me stroking my dick while getting fucked was like competing with their dicks. It was like we were racing. As a vers, I never really truly surrendered to being just a bottom. I’d flip flop, but there was always an issue how sex ended. We usually ended up jacking off together.

There came a time about my third relationship, the guy was a complete top, I was in love, he was older and more financially and emotionally secure. It was a time in my life I wanted to be rescued. I had been in the life for almost ten years, and I started to become insecure about my dick, masculinity and sexual position. I guess I got caught up in the “Down Low” bullshit and thought because I wasn’t some thug, unclockable, have a girlfriend, that I wasn’t good enough as a top. And I used to hear gay men gossip about each other and say things like “I’d never let that queen climb on top of me.” It confused me. Gay life was so heterosexual. I identified more with straight women than with straight men so I thought that made me an “emotional bottom.” It came natural when I was in third relationship because he was so masculine, so unclockable and so aggressive. I became an “emotional/submissive bottom.” It stopped being about my dick. I got release for being fucked. I started calling my ass a pussy. When I was younger I hated when gay men called their booty-holes a pussy. But suddenly I understood the emotion. I became obcessed with my hole. I worried about being cleaned. I worried about being wet and tight. And when the guy was inside me, I wasn’t hard. I was soft because all the sensation was coming from just being penetrated. And my lover at the time was great at hitting my spot, and if I allowed myself to just enjoy the ride and release I would have an anal orgasm. It’s not the same as an ejaculation. It’s more emotional like a buildup that gets release. I sometimes peed a little or shot clear ejaculation but it was just as powerful, sometimes even more powerful. I like giving my top his orgasm. I liked being submissive because I trusted him. Yet, it didn’t take long for me to feel unsatisfied. I started to feel like a woman. I still didn’t want to be the girl.

I was a submissive/emotional bottom for a couple of years. I broke up with that guy. I wasn’t always satisfied as a bottom. I started just being one of those “bottoms” that took one for the team. I kept gambling with tops and trusted they could give me what I wanted. If I didn’t’ get what I needed I just thought the top didn’t know what he was doing.

And then something weird happened around 27 years old. I said the hell with tops. I was going to just play the game. I was just going to get fucked and use tops. I only cared about getting mine. I became a “power bottom.” It was really by accident and being single. I no longer feared dick and didn’t need a man. It was my sexual liberation. I didn’t care what anyone thought about me. I laughed when tops wore themselves out trying to hurt me. And I was proud of my experience as a bottom. I had a deep tight hole. I finally controlled my body. I could be fucked for hours (if I was high and tripping).Sex was fun. I could do sex parties or be double penetrated. I still had mental issues to get over like being afraid of classified as a whore. But I was a male. I wasn’t the girl.

Being a power bottom was more for my ego, but I still felt enormously sometimes unfulfilled. I didn’t want to be a trashcan.

Out of frustration with so many detached men, I became an “Alpha bottom.” I became more aggressive. I didn’t get fucked, I fuck the top. I knew what got me off. I knew what I needed. I wasn’t waiting for some man to figure me out. I had the cheat notes and wasn’t afraid to say it. A lot of tops like weak bottoms, something they can dominate. I wasn’t for that. I was a man who liked it up the ass, not some prison raped bitch.

I remember this guy, we were fucking, and I was enjoying his thrust and I guess I got a little too aggressive and he said in the most adorable voice, “Remember I’m the top.” I told him to shut the fuck up.

I got into toy play out of anger. Even as an “Alpha bottom” most tops got on my nerves when I had no desire to black weak, defenseless or the bitch. I swear the things some bttms go through for a top and I didn’t want to be in the game anymore. I also started to feel as if some tops didn’t appreciate the “ass.” I was getting tired of being treated or feeling like a trashcan. I was tired of the promicious sex. I just didn’t want to be fucked anymore, so I bought me a toy. It was my private rebellion. I had given up gay men.

I started with a modest a nine inch dildo. I started to learn so much about my body. I started to learn what the dick was doing when it was inside of my body. I found out I had rings. I remember that there was always some sharp pain when I was getting fucked and I realized that was a curve, that the dick had got stuck at the cure or was hitting my 2nd ring wall. I didn’t know that wall could be pushed through and it felt fantastic. I was immediately intrigued so I bought a bigger dildo, 12 inches. I soon conquered that so I went up to 18 inches. I kept buying wider and bigger toys. I started doing researched. I decided that I wanted to get into fisting. I had fisted as a top but never tried it as a bottom. It was phenomenal. It was the first time I felt really masculine as a bottom. Of course again, I had to get over some issues. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be virgin tight anymore. I was afraid other tops wouldn’t want me or talked about me behind my back, in other words, give me bad recommendations.

And then I remember the pain when I first become a bottom. I remember desperately wanting to accept the dick, get comfortable with being pentrated, let it be a pleasant experience. I did all the work, so why could I not finally enjoy my hole. It was my ass!!! If I chose to stretch it out, fuck any bitch who don’t like it. I’m not a sex slave. I’m not some trashcan. I am not a fuck slave.

I remember this one top telling this other top that some guy he fucked was as opened as a hallway. I wanted to be that open. It must’ve been fun to get there.

I became a “freak bottom.” I liked it and wasn’t afraid to celebrate it. I felt I deserved my body and was proud what it could do. I wanted to be sexually fulfilled. So if I found something that did it for me and it was my prerogative. I fell in love with fisting and large sex toys. I was so interested in how far I could go or stretch. Yet, finding the right partner was still an issue. Some guys wanted to fist just to say they’ve done it. I wasn’t a freak show, I was a freak. Other guys, had no clue. They thought fisting was just an extention of their dick. Some guys critizied if they fisted me that made their dick useless like their dick was my savior. I would respond, why did I ever need your dick. It’s not like I could get pregnant. It was a challenge to get some gay men to think outside the heterosexual box. Some guys just wasn’t into, haven’t gotten to that freakiness.

I had to accept I had evolved as a bottom. I couldn’t be 20 years old forever. I used to be afraid of getting older knowing that I was mostly a bottom. I was afraid not being tight. I no longer cared. I loved being opened because that was what it was about in the first place. It was being opened enough to accept the dick and enjoy it. I was being opened enough to experiment. I was finally enjoying my sexuality and I wasn’t going to let anyone take that from me.

I was called a “bitchy bottom,” that is someone who doesn’t lay there and shut up. It was like bottoms should be fucked not heard. I didn’t consider myself a bitchy bottom. I just wasn’t going to take anymore bullshit. If that made me a bitch, so be it.

Overall, my experience as a bottom started off as a bumpy role full of fear and rejection. I had to learn to face my fears. I had to learn to enjoy pleasure. I had to learn to let go of all my heterosexual constraints and psychology. I wasn’t a girl. I was a man who had sex with other men. I had to get comfortable with my body and demand respect. I also had to converse with other bottoms and not see them as enemies. OTHER BOTTMS ARE NOT THE ENEMY. IT ISN’T A LOW RESOURCE OF DICK. IT’S JUST SEX.

I was most secure when sex was emotional, when I was emotionally fulfilled. I’m still evolving but it doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t take a few steps backwards. Sometimes I’m a power bottom, I just looking to give up some ass, sometimes I’m an emotional bottom, I’m looking to connect, sometimes I’m an alpha/freak bottom, I’m looking to get my ass played with, and sometimes I’m a bitchy bottom if I have to clown a stupid top, but I’m always a human being.

Yet enjoying being a bottom led me to re-awaken my feelings about my dick. It was time for me to come full circle again, no pun intended.