no witnesses

In Alcoholic Anonymous, they call this telling on yourself.


After maintaining 90 days of sobriety, I got bored. I was also feeling lonely and missing old friends I hadn’t seen since I stopped going to the bar. I decided to venture out. I really didn’t have a desire to drink I just wanted company. In AA I don’t consider those people my friends. I mean, AA is like checking in with my parole officer. I’m not going to tell her or him everything. I actually had stopped going to AA for awhile because I wasn’t drinking nor did I feel AA really did anything for me.

So I went to the bar. I decided I was going to drink. It wasn’t that I was going to start drinking again on a daily basis. I figured it was just a drink at the bar with some friends. Of course I got drunk. It wasn’t so bad. I mean, I didn’t do anything stupid. After I started drinking, I couldn’t imagine why I had stopped in the first place. It was fun. All my old bar friends hugged and kissed on me. They thought I had gotten arrested or something. It was fun. I missed the lifestyle.

The next day waking up with the hangover, I remember what I hated about drinking. I didn’t stop drinking that night until 4 in the morning. I was still an addict. The good news, I didn’t do any drugs. With me it was usually getting drunk, getting bored and then start looking for drugs. The good news, I didn’t miss work. The bad news, the hangover. I hated feeling sick and tired.

Of course, at first I felt really bad for drinking. I felt as if I let myself down. I hated that I was going to have to start all over with my days of sobriety. I felt I was never going to be one of those people who can say I have a year sober or something. 90 days was hard enough.

I have a friend and he’s in recovery. I think he has like a 120 days or something. At first I wasn’t going to tell him about my night of drinking but it slipped. I don’t know why I wanted to keep it a secret. Well I guess because I like my number. I like having over 90 days with no drink and also I didn’t want to discourage his recovery. It wasn’t like I fell off the wagon. I didn’t have another drink again until a week later.

So I am drinking again not alcoholically or anything, just at the bar. I’ve just admitted it to myself. I hadn’t really thought about and I know I need to be careful. I haven’t really told anyone because I didn’t want lectures or bullshit.

I didn’t want anyone saying but you were doing so well or judgment or pity or thinking I failed. I just wanted a drink. I just wanted something familiar. I was bored.

So yesterday I was walking home. I live alone now which means no witnesses. I can do whatever the hell I want. When I lived with my ex I had a witness. He was always counting my drinks or saying something about me being high. He was always finding my drugs. I hated witnesses.

So yesterday I was walking home and decided to stop by the liquor store. I hadn’t been there in like four months. I used to be there like every day, sometimes twice a day. The owner would see me coming and just get my bottle.

I decided to stop by the liquor store because I knew I had no witnesses at home. I could drink in peace. I knew it was dangerous territory. I thought I was just drinking at bars now I was back doing it alone.

Yet, I struggled. I did. I wrestled with not going but I knew I was going to stop. I made myself promises I knew I wasn’t going to keep. I said I would just have a couple of drink while I cleaned the apartment. I said the drinking would be my reward.

I got to the liquor store and the owner didn’t even recognize me. I guess because I had my work clothes on and eyeglasses. I hadn’t been in that liquor store in some long it no longer looked familiar. It actually looked sad. I got my bottle. I went home.

I am such an alcoholic. It’s funny to me that after not drinking for so long that it was so easy to pick back up where I left off. I got a liter of rum. I did clean the apartment. I ironed my clothes for the week. But when I started drinking, each cup got empty too quick. I said only three drinks, but they went so fast. I said only half of bottle but I didn’t feel drunk enough. I wanted to feel drunk. So I drank almost the entire bottle. I didn’t get to bed until 4 that morning and had to be at work at 9.

Again I had failed with alcohol. I always fail with alcohol. It’s not the same with me. Some people get home from work and have a glass of wine. I need four or five bottles. I don’t even taste liquor anymore. I just want to feel it.

The good news, I made it to work. I was an hour late. I knew it was going to be a rough day. I told myself I was never going to do it again. Lord knows how many times I’ve said that.

I think I’m drinking again. The other week I had what they call a drug dream. I dreamt I was doing crystal meth and it felt so real.

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. I just got bored with being sober. I mean I will remain sane. I have no desire to live the life I lived before. But I have started drinking again. I don’t want to stop.

I wonder if this is normal. I think I will call somebody.