Forgiveness

Wow, forgiveness, that’s a hard one for me because I’m known to hold grudges. I take stuff in and never let it go. I still haven’t forgiven people from elementary.

I don’t consider myself a bad person. I know I’m not a bad person. I’ve done some bad things like lie, steal, and cheat. But my heart is good. When I’m wrong, I admit I’m wrong. I don’t try to get away with anything. I try to be as honest as the situation will allow.

When I was an addict, there was no good or bad, just the addiction. I look back and amazed at some of the stuff I did. I lied to everyone. I stole from everyone. I just wanted my high. I just wanted my next cocktail. I felt I deserved. I didn’t even see it as stealing. I saw it as what I was owed. I always figured I give it back. I was just borrowing. But I never gave nothing back.

My most shameful moment was when I took my ex-boyfriend’s wallet. I knew rent was due that week but I didn’t care. I took his wallet and emptied his bank account. I figured he was a fool for giving me his PIN #. I didn’t even know what I was thinking. I remember just feeling suicidal that week. Actually I had meant to go kill myself. I was going to check myself in a hotel and overdose. Of course that didn’t happen. I went to the hotel, I did a lot of drugs and then changed my mind about killing myself yet I still had to go home. I still had to deal with reality.

I call my boyfriend at the time and told him what I did. He hadn’t even noticed that his bank card was gone. He was furious. He started crying and yelling. I was scared to go home. I did some more drugs and decided to just face the music. I got home and he had put my stuff on the sidewalk. He wanted me gone. I begged for his forgives. He slapped me to the floor. We started fighting. It was crazy. My boyfriend and I had never been violent. I didn’t even know he had a violent bone in his body. It was strange. The struggle only last for like a minute and we just lay on the floor. I regretted not killing myself.

We still had to come up with rent, so I had to pawn my camera and other stuff. We had to go get those payday loans with ridiculous interest rates. I just felt so much shame. I knew at that moment I had some type of problem but didn’t know what. That’s the problem with being an addict, I just wish I would’ve figured it out sooner, I was in so much denial because I didn’t want the stigma. I thought being an addict was a bad thing, I knew I wasn’t a crack head, I figured I was functional. That was the problem, I just wish I would’ve said it out loud earlier, freed myself. My disease had a name which meant I could get help. It wasn’t just about discipline.

My ex forgave me, but he changed his bank account. He started hiding his wallet. I never forgave me even when I paid the money back. I felt I had misused his trust. I felt dirty and like a common hustler or thief. I started to feel like a drug addict. I hated myself. I never did it again.

But why did he forgive me? I used to think because he pitied me. Maybe he knew I wasn’t a bad person. Maybe he remembered how I was when we first met. I remember him telling me when we first met he knew I like to drink, but he couldn’t predict it would become such a BIG problem. I couldn’t predict it would’ve become a problem. My ex was good at forgiving me but each time it changed him. It changed us. It eventually ended the relationship.

When I think of forgiveness and betrayal, I think of my best friend. We had once stopped speaking because I felt he betrayed my trust. It was something simple but big enough for me to not speak to him for a year. I wanted to forgive him but I couldn’t until I figured out why he did what he did. I knew that the apology didn’t mean anything; I needed to know what was going on his mind. I needed to know why. Eventually we talked and he told me the truth. He was jealous. I knew he had a lot of insecurities he constantly struggle with, and envy can sometimes get the best of us. I was able to forgive him because I knew his heart and mind. But it did change our relationship. I could no longer put myself in situations with him that I was in jeopardy. We could be friends but the fairytale was over.

I guess I believe that forgiveness is not a clean slate but more introspective. It’s not forgetting the act but truly understanding why it happened. It’s like if someone cheated on me and I forgave that person, it’s because I understood why it happened and that it’s forever changed the relationship. People are just human. We all make mistakes. We all have problems and issues, but it’s when they are revealed that we need forgiveness.

I need forgiveness. I need to forgive myself. I guess my relationship with myself has changed.

And when I think about it, I have learned to forgive myself. I guess when I decided to get sober and stop punishing myself was my way of forgiving the years of abuse. The main reason I stayed an addict for that last year because I wasn’t finished with punishing myself. The more I spiraled down, the more I hated me, the more I felt I couldn’t forgive what a mess my life had become. But one day I just stopped, I decided that I had enough, I wanted to be friends with myself again. I wanted a normal life.

I knew some things had to change, I was weak, an addict, I had to stay away from temptation but mostly I had see the humanity in myself. I think when we stop seeing the humanity in other people makes it hard to forgive. I don’t forget. I can never forget where I’ve been or done.

I feel better. When I think of that neighbor who sneered me, I smile because I know there will be those who are going to hate me until I die. But I don’t hate myself. I’m no longer punishing myself. I wake up every morning now and forgive myself because I know I don’t want to carry that burden. It’s hard when you don’t forgive.