If you got your health…

Old folks growing up would always say, if you got your health, you got everything. I never really understood what that meant because I was always a healthy child. I just thought life was a big playground as if the sun shines everyday.

But sometimes it rains, thunderstorms and scary situations. I mean 70 tornadoes attacked Alabama and nothing is the same anymore. That’s how I feel about health. I mean it could be all normal then a medical thing happens.

Well I’m sick, at home for the week suffering from pneumonia. I can barely eat, coughing all the time and a lot of vomiting. I wish things go back to normal because I hate being sick. In the middle of the storm, it feels as if I’m never going to be better. As if there will be no more sunny days. I sit staring out the window, jealous of others who are well and can go to work or fly a kite in a park.

I also think of my life as I cough hysterically like I’m about to vomit something vile have I been wasting my life. I think about what if I died and how the process would be to notify friends and family. I think about if my family will honor my will and cremate me because I never put it in writing. I think about my unhappiness and if I had more time what would I do different.

It’s hard because living a good life isn’t so easy. I mean I watch Oprah and I read a lot of self-help books, but I still feel trapped by my job, my past, my own issues and addictions.

I ask myself when this virus passes, would I have my health when it’s sunny again. I mean even if I’m not coughing or shivering with a fever, am I living a healthy life.

I think the term if you got your health you have everything just doesn’t mean not being sick. I think it means if you’re living a life you love, you got everything. So many days of sun in my thirty years of life, but many of them I was passed out drunk or something worse.

As I take my antibiotics, I’m glad I’m reflecting on not just healing my body but also healing my soul. I want my life to be healthy. Being sick reminds me how fragile life is, and I know I’m rushing to get well so I can go back to work and not worry about losing my job. But getting sick was a way of telling me to slow down. It was a way to make me look at what it really means to breathe.

I’ve been miserable all week, in and out of the hospital, thinking the universe was punishing me. But this is just another lesson.

When I get better, I will re-read this post and be reminded, enjoy the simple day. Because I know I would give anything to just eat a burger. Or hang out with my friends. Or go walking on a beach. Or stop and smell a flower. It’s so simple life. It’s so simple and the things I would give anything for don’t cost money. It’s not about my ego. It’s not about proving anything. I just want a sunny day and bask in its glory.

So for those of you who are well, breathe in and for a second enjoy it. I need to remind myself daily to enjoy my life. It's so short and fragile and we only know that when we lose our health.

What if Britney died?

Sitting at home because I have this year’s flu and got pneumonia, I’m gifted with many hours of just watching bad television and surfing the web. As I flipped through the channels, I see on E and VH1 the latest Britney drama. I get on the web and on most of the information sites: yahoo, msn, there’s something about Britney. On the morning talk shows they are talking about Britney. That perezhilton.com guy is obsessed with Britney along with TMZ. And I’m thinking why the fuck should I care?

I admit I was a little bit intrigued in the beginning, the cutting off all her hair, her crazy mood swings, in and out of rehab. It reminded me of my youth. And then it turns sick, her kids got involved, she lost them, paparazzi followed her every move. They started saying she was mentally ill. The freak show turned into a countdown to another Anna Nicole situation.

I don’t know Britney personally. I’m not even a fan; well I did buy her last album because it was good.

Part of me loved the downfall because the machine at first made her to be such “virgin saint” and then tore her apart. I never thought her career would last past her 21st birthday. She has no real personality or direction. The real Britney Spears is just an employee of the Britney Spears image. It’s like she goes to work like the rest of us when she puts on that blonde wig, acts sexy, say what her latest manager tells her to say and then clocks out.

The problem has been the real Britney has been bringing her home problems to work. It’s like me showing up to work on Monday not trying to hide my hangover. When I’m at work, I’m employee, nobody at my job knows I’m bipolar, nobody at my job know what I really did with my weekend. It’s important for me to protect the reputation that let me pay my bills. But I guess with a person like Britney, she’s made enough money on that image, she doesn’t need to protect it anymore.

So what if Britney died? I don’t think I would be that sad. I’d be shocked of course like when Health Ledger died. I would still get up and go to work. I don’t think I would learn anything.

I think Britney teaches me about reality. I read all the stories and I’m like it must be awful to be so disconnected from your life. To not have any real control. I don’t look at Britney just as some pop star that everyone has said “yes” too. I look at her as a person who never exercised “no” or been forced.

Britney make me say to myself, what is life. I mean with all the money and unlimited resources, why isn’t that happiness. I think it’s sick. I go to work everyday just to survive and I keep thinking if I just win the lottery I be happy because I wouldn’t have to struggle. But then I look at Britney and I know it’s more than just money or fame. It’s life. It’s what I’m doing with my life.

If Britney died, I say good riddens, because it’s sad to see her waste her life. It just makes me want to pay more attention to mine.