starting over. 8-21-09

I needed to remember. go back. before the clubs. before the insanity. before my first time. before alcohol and the drugs. Who was I? I didn't have my first real drink until i was twenty two years old. I guess i got tired of being the good kid. the sick thing about being the good kid is that your life becomes predictable. it's so narrrow like a razor blade and if you flinch off the course those around you slash deep. So i just needed to bleed, even if that meant death.

So i went back. before the first kiss. I was always gay. I can't remember a day in my life when I wasn't gay. But gay then, just meant being different. It wasn't about sex. I just knew somehow in my subconsious my life wasn't go to be so simple. I could pretend, but a gay has needs. I knew somehow one day i would need to explore those needs even if I didn't know at five years old weren't those needs were going to be. I just knew, I liked the heat from pookie and i didn't get that heat from tameka.

so, a month from my thirty-third birthday and self imposed exile from my so called gay life, I decided to go back. I got lost, i know that. none of it didn't make sense for me anymore. So i shut up complaining. I get so fucking tired of complaing. I didn't want AA meetings. I didn't want more therapy appointments. got tired of talking to my repetetive friends about their insanity. Sometimes its like a magnetism, this so called gay life. If you don't learn to break free, it will keep pulling in a direction you in the directin in which you never made the decision because you were young, new, was only thinking with your dick and ego.

Miguel was my first kiss and it was awesome. One of the best memories in my life. So innocent. So fifteen years old. So stolen, how i snuck out that night with my best friend to go to that old man's house. I'm probably that old man's age now. Funny. anyways, so i kissed miguel. Sade, so fucking cliche was playing the back ground. I just remember feeling free. I never felt so free with anybody. I had kissed my first girl at twelve and really didn't get what all the fuss was a bout. I even had sex with a girl, it was like a chore. I remember thinking it felt like washing dishes. but with miguel, just him holding my hands made my dick so hard i thought it might implode.

So i kissed miguel, for like three hours. that's all we did was kiss from 4 in the morning unitl the sun rose. We didn't have sex. He stuck his hand down my pants and jerked me off, but being gay and young, that was romantic. I remember before we kissed, he told me to never grow and be gay, and then he kissed me. Funny, i thought at the time that was something stupid a boy tells a boy before he kisses him. It turned out miguel was a 17 year old runaway staying with that old man. He robbed him the next day and disappeared for ten years. But i guess that's when the drama began.

It was my secret. i could tell no one. I could tell my best friend and that's it. And i guess that's when the shift began. I became two people. I was straight A student at school, vice-president of student council. and then I was also the so young gay boy sneaking out my house to go to older strangers house to steal kisses a four in the morning. One life started off as the straight and narrow, the other life plunge into insanity without even thinking.

I now know how i got lost. Well, i think i was lost before that considering the many fragments of my family life. Yet, there was something whole about me before that kiss. I was just Michael.