Re-born Virgin

It’s been like a year since the last time I had sex. It wasn’t intention celibacy more that I had more important things to focus on. Also, the medication I was on completely took the urge away. Sometimes I would try to jack-off and I couldn’t get there. It was very frustrating so I first told my Sexual Addiction Group and they recommended me to tell my Doctor to lower the dosage. I decided to go off the drug and just take my antidepressant. The antidepressants make it hard to cum also but not so difficult like the antipsychotic. And when I climax on the antidepressants I swear I feel as if I’m going to pass out in the middle. It’s so fucking intense. But when I told my Doctor, he increased my dosage from, 25mg to 50mg. I still don’t know why he did that but I just split it in half so that I could get my OMG ejaculations.

It’s been like a year since I had sex. I almost had sex a month ago. Shit, I’ve been such a whore; I now feel the need lie to my friends not about my suddenly nonexistent sex life. They wouldn’t believe it anyway. I almost had sex a month ago. The guy had been hounded me for like three months. I finally figured it was like losing my virginity again. I just hated carrying baggage around like it meant something being celibate. It was just coincidence like self-imposed solitary. I hate a right hand and a dirty mind, so I wasn’t backed up. Actually getting myself off for a year was pretty damn cool. I didn’t have to worry about being good enough. I was always excellent even when it was bad and especially when it hurt.

So when I finally decided to attempt to make naked in front of another man, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. We met online so even after a year, it felt as if nothing had changed. His first mistake after I gave him my information, he was at my apartment in ten minutes. He said he lived on the other side of town. I thought it would be like an hour. The first thing I wished for was liquor. I felt I needed liquor. Fuck sobriety. I also needed poppers and weed. Maybe some meth. But I hadn’t done hard drugs in over a year, and the liquor stores were closed.

I wonder how I would act. I got so damn nervous. I defiantly didn’t feel sexy. I wasn’t for sure if I was even horny. I wanted sex so I could stop saying I was celibate. He got to the door. He wasn’t bad looking. I decided I wasn’t taking off my tank top cuz I didn’t feel like showing my Krespy Kreme stomach.

God it felt so strange. He was a stranger. We talked, but I’m not up for talking. Most of the time it’s just lies. So I said “get naked.” He took off his clothes. I really did care about the size of his dick, but he was average. I liked seeing dick up and personal instead of on a computer screen or TV. He was a nice guy. We play around. He sucked my nipples. But no kissing. And then he turned me over and started to eat my ass. That I loved. I hadn’t had my ass eaten in like two years. And despite the condoms lying next to him on the bed, he still attempted to stick his dick in me raw.

It pissed me off. It’s not that I hadn’t had raw sex. Shit, there was a time all I had was raw sex, because I liked how reckless it was, but I wasn’t so reckless anymore. So I turned over, and I wanted it. I did. Not for him but for me. I wanted him to care. I told him to leave. He looked shocked. He asked if he did anything wrong. I told him my mind wasn’t in the right place. I was better. He took that as I was saying I was better than him. I was moving too fast. Even if it had been a year, I was moving too fast. So he left, I locked my door and went to lie in my bed. I put in a video, jacked off and went to bed.

I know if I would’ve been drunk and high, I would’ve gone through with it and dealt with consequences later. But I was a better man. Trust, I still want the sex, I just don’t know how yet.