Re-born Virgin

It’s been like a year since the last time I had sex. It wasn’t intention celibacy more that I had more important things to focus on. Also, the medication I was on completely took the urge away. Sometimes I would try to jack-off and I couldn’t get there. It was very frustrating so I first told my Sexual Addiction Group and they recommended me to tell my Doctor to lower the dosage. I decided to go off the drug and just take my antidepressant. The antidepressants make it hard to cum also but not so difficult like the antipsychotic. And when I climax on the antidepressants I swear I feel as if I’m going to pass out in the middle. It’s so fucking intense. But when I told my Doctor, he increased my dosage from, 25mg to 50mg. I still don’t know why he did that but I just split it in half so that I could get my OMG ejaculations.

It’s been like a year since I had sex. I almost had sex a month ago. Shit, I’ve been such a whore; I now feel the need lie to my friends not about my suddenly nonexistent sex life. They wouldn’t believe it anyway. I almost had sex a month ago. The guy had been hounded me for like three months. I finally figured it was like losing my virginity again. I just hated carrying baggage around like it meant something being celibate. It was just coincidence like self-imposed solitary. I hate a right hand and a dirty mind, so I wasn’t backed up. Actually getting myself off for a year was pretty damn cool. I didn’t have to worry about being good enough. I was always excellent even when it was bad and especially when it hurt.

So when I finally decided to attempt to make naked in front of another man, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. We met online so even after a year, it felt as if nothing had changed. His first mistake after I gave him my information, he was at my apartment in ten minutes. He said he lived on the other side of town. I thought it would be like an hour. The first thing I wished for was liquor. I felt I needed liquor. Fuck sobriety. I also needed poppers and weed. Maybe some meth. But I hadn’t done hard drugs in over a year, and the liquor stores were closed.

I wonder how I would act. I got so damn nervous. I defiantly didn’t feel sexy. I wasn’t for sure if I was even horny. I wanted sex so I could stop saying I was celibate. He got to the door. He wasn’t bad looking. I decided I wasn’t taking off my tank top cuz I didn’t feel like showing my Krespy Kreme stomach.

God it felt so strange. He was a stranger. We talked, but I’m not up for talking. Most of the time it’s just lies. So I said “get naked.” He took off his clothes. I really did care about the size of his dick, but he was average. I liked seeing dick up and personal instead of on a computer screen or TV. He was a nice guy. We play around. He sucked my nipples. But no kissing. And then he turned me over and started to eat my ass. That I loved. I hadn’t had my ass eaten in like two years. And despite the condoms lying next to him on the bed, he still attempted to stick his dick in me raw.

It pissed me off. It’s not that I hadn’t had raw sex. Shit, there was a time all I had was raw sex, because I liked how reckless it was, but I wasn’t so reckless anymore. So I turned over, and I wanted it. I did. Not for him but for me. I wanted him to care. I told him to leave. He looked shocked. He asked if he did anything wrong. I told him my mind wasn’t in the right place. I was better. He took that as I was saying I was better than him. I was moving too fast. Even if it had been a year, I was moving too fast. So he left, I locked my door and went to lie in my bed. I put in a video, jacked off and went to bed.

I know if I would’ve been drunk and high, I would’ve gone through with it and dealt with consequences later. But I was a better man. Trust, I still want the sex, I just don’t know how yet.

Mama, wherever you at, it's been 25 years

i know, you know. I'm still standing here. I'm getting better.

John Edwards, you are the father!!!

I love it when politicians get caught. Especially those wide smiled, left wing, I’m more perfect than god politicians who behind close doors are cruising in airport bathrooms and paying for sex with high class prostitutes.

If I voted, I would consider the politician who outright said I smoked a lot of weed in college and because my job required urine tests, I quit. I don’t want the half baked reply that I didn’t inhale. It’s like saying I sucked his dick but I didn’t breath through my nose. Or I spat it out, so it doesn’t count.

The latest Politician to get caught with his dick out is John Edwards. I remember when I first saw him, he reminded me of Ken from Barbie. He seemed a little too polished and that creepy smile like I’m father of year --I knew was so bullshit. All women swooned because he decided to stay with his wife during the hardship of Breast cancer but still used her inconvenience as a platform for his own personal agenda. He seemed like the perfect husband, father and politician. I knew he wasn’t. I knew behind that cosmetic bleached smile and highlighted blonde hair was a secret. I thought maybe he dressed drag on the weekends, or maybe he was an alien who performed alien probes on unsuspecting homeless people. Or maybe he liked little boys, but having an affair with a hot employee, that was too typical.

I would like John Edwards to go on the Maury Polvich show. I think they should have the blonde sexy mistress and the cancer stricken wife. They should shout obscenities towards each other and then show the child in question on the tv screen. It would be fun, when Polvich tells Edwards, you are the father, and the wife jumps up from her chair, slaps him and then runs to back and throws herself on the floor, crying and screaming. That would be awesome.

Then again, who can blame him for wanted some in-shape pussy. I mean, have you’ve seen his wife. I know she has cancer but I thought sick people got thinner not fatter. I’m just saying. And it’s interesting that all these women who get cheated on usually have let themselves go. I know we heard "but she had three children" -- so did Kelly Ripa and she’s a skeleton.

I think it should be a rule, if your wife doesn’t make your dick hard, cheat on her. But I say that with fair warning because I foresee some heavy black girl stomping through the yard, knocking me to the ground, “You told Harpo to cheat on me.” Anyways.

John Edwards you are the father!

Rest in Peace

Bernie Mac dies from pneumonia. It’s not that I’m a fan but I had pneumonia twice this year. I knew I was very close to death the first time because breathing was hard and I had no energy. I remember when they sent the chaplain in my room. I was concerned, but thought it was just hospital procedure. I didn’t know the doctors didn’t think I was going to make it.

I remember the day before I started gettibg better that I could feel myself slip away. I was given a decision, to live or die. I could’ve just stopped fighting and give in to it. But I didn’t. I decided to live. I decided to get better.

I wonder if Bernie had a secret about his health. Hmmmmm

Jesus loves fags

Disclaimer: After writing "Who is Sean" I knew what I had to say about love, pain and addiction wasn't finished. I really don't consider myself a poet, but to finish exercising my demons poetry became my refuge. I just needed to finish the story now I feel I can move on from my youth. I ain't apologizing anymore. Jesus loves me.

Jesus love fags

Who cares?
I don’t
Why am I doing this?
Is so that my soul can be free
You see
I made it across the hard part
Now I got live with the decision
Cuz it wasn’t no way I was going to love
If I didn’t love myself
It sounds like bullshit
I know

And I want to say it wasn’t so hard
Once I learned to get out of my own way
And I want to say once I started to listen
Time didn’t seem so urgent
But love did
It sounds like bullshit
I know

I used to think I ruled the world
Or was I just its fool
I was here
What the fuck did I go looking for?
There
Trying not to be saved
Couldn’t save myself
I was at that party
At that club
Dancing on the dance floor
Sweat staining the tip of my jeans and underwear
Thinking I would be young forever
I was here
In dark corners flirting for erect favors
And the attention I didn’t get from my mama’s titie
On my knees, pants at ankles
Cruising parks
Sniffing poppers
Puffing cigarettes
At Man’s country, the spa
Follies in DC
Studs bookstore
Couldn’t be saved
Wasn’t trying to save myself
Thinking I’d be young forever
Early morning free clinics before work on Tuesday
I was there
Here
Painful shots in the ass for taking it up the ass
Couldn’t be saved
Wasn’t trying to save myself
In the hospital for two weeks
Then back at the drug house after discharge
Trying to charge
Youth is just another credit card
And the bill collectors were calling
Wasn’t trying to save myself
Couldn’t be saved
I was high
Smoking that 420, partying and playing 24/7
Up for four days
Drinking just to calm the nerves
On the streets
Asleep at the bus stop
Homeless
Can’t keep a job
Selling body for a hamburger
I was there
Here
Trying to be saved
Razor blade to the wrists
Didn’t think I could keep living that way I was
And I was right
So I died
Maybe it was the drug overdose
A bullet to the head
Found dead on the side of the road
My sister said I die of some fag disease
But I did die
Love killed me
Killed that life
I was here
And now I’m gone


***********************
Bathhhouse

The white towel hangs low on my hips
The cockring keeps the blood warm
My dick print teases hungry eyes
In the steam room
I reveal beaded sweat of nakedness
I part my legs on the bench
& wait for those brave enough to touch
I’m looking for touch
That’s why I paid twenty eight dollars
I want that fast love
No exchange of names
The fantasy
But it never works that way
Always a compromise
And it always feels like I’m waiting
For flirting eyes
I keep my door opened and lay on my stomach waiting
For creeping souls afraid of light
I stroke my dick
Waiting for a firm sloppy mouth
Waiting
And waiting
But it never comes
He just cums
I get off like a car that’s run out of gas
Waiting
and waiting
maybe next time
and they call my room # and try to decide if I want
to pay
another 28 dollars to wait some more
I beat my dick
slap its stubborn head around until it spills
the frustration of the wait
I decide to go home


***********************

I know I’m going to die
the Doctor at the hospital she was a bitch
they always give that same speech
I want to scream at her that I’m a grown man and don’t like lectures
but I need drugs
I want to feel clean again
she don’t understand I like to drink and get high
and I don’t always make the best decisions
she don’t understand I don’t always like myself
that I’m just a man
and I hate that feeling of failure in the daylight
I didn’t want to wake that morning with my dick leaking
and I still had to go to work
I knew I shouldn’t did what I did behind that building with that guy
but it was dark and I was high and my dick was hard
so I didn’t need the lecture
I needed the drugs
I’m going to die
I know that
probably of some stupid disease
rotting away in somebody’s hospital with bitch nurses
alone
because I’m a fuck up
I could never get it right
and I wonder if I could save myself
that after I get the drugs and clean again
if I could save myself
start over
but I’m never going to have a family
I want to scream at her that I’m gay
and I don’t believe in monogamy
and I like to drink and I don’t like rules
I’m just another tortured soul
So bored with my misery
damn I’m so bored I could just die
so I know I’m going to die
stupid and alone
just another tragic fag
so just give me the drugs to stop the leak
give me my breath
stop the night sweats
take the yellow from my eyes
heal whatever STD this is this time and tell no one
I don’t need the lecture

***********************

What do addicts dream?

I slice open the blunt with a razor
take out tainted tobacco and replace with green
baby shits in so many colors
I crush the crystal in powder because I lost my pipe
I part the coke with my credit card that bill collectors keep calling about
I filled the sprite bottle with vodka
I’m safe
for a moment

when I inhale the ghastly smoke
let the vodka tickle my throat
the meth tells me to give it everything
and I’m safe
because I’m dreaming
that life could be better

what do addicts dream?
I yell into the coke mirror
trying not to breathe so hard to blow away the powder
that’s my life
trying to not breathe to hard that I blow away

and when I’m high
that feeling that’s so numbing, that I feel nothing
just want to feel good
that’s what addicts dream
to be nothing

and I hate my mother
and I hate all those motherfuckers who gave up on me
and I hate so damn much these days
and then the tears swell
and I could feel myself feeling again
so I take another drink from the vodka
hit the blunt some more
snort the meth
and then I feel safe
like I’m in my cage
because the world is a cage
and if I don’t tweak
and they don’t’ see I’m so nervous
like the a dead man walking
maybe they will love me
maybe that’s what the addict dreams
to be loved


***********************
Raw

Should never stuck in it
But I was tired of playing it safe
I was nineteen
dark skin so drowning
ass a full moon
laying like a dead body on stains sheets at the bathhouse
he always had his door opened
inviting the wicked to his flame
the only guy I could fuck because I never saw his eyes
he was my nigga fall
I didn’t want to be real
he was like my rape when I was five years old
loved how he just took and never told
loved how he arched his back
wanted to be him
he was nobody like the used condoms on the floor
loved how he made me feel normal
when I fucked him, I always
gave him my babies
and when I finally saw his face
eyes like knives, lips like sandpaper
old like not too many years to celebrate birthdays
so I kissed him
wanted his death to take me to the grave
with him
but I was still too young

***********************
Looks how it shines for you

When I’m in love
I’m in love, so tragically
Write you love poems, bring you roses everyday
But when I hate, everything must end
Kick you out of my bed; tear up all your pictures
Plot murder
Everything about you must end

When I’m in love, we have romantic dinners
I try to be good, love you like Jesus would
But when I’m rejected
I’m the last circle of hell
Burn nigga
make sure the world knows you’re a fraud

so when I’m in love
I’m waiting to hate you

when I’m in love
I’m hold you close, play with your toes
cook you pancakes for breakfast
but when I think you leaving me
I call the landlord
take you off my lease, close the all the accounts, want you to starve to death

when I’m in love
I give you my wallet
try to buy you the world
but when I hate you
I want to destroy everything you were
get you fired from your job
thinking about killing you in your sleep
picks fights
bloody your nose
make you plot to kill me
fuck up your life like calling all your co-workers and tell them you a child molester

when I’m in love I think about our kids
us as old folks feeding the birds
but when I hate you
I’m not myself anymore
gave you too much

when I love you
don’t want to be your past mistakes
don’t want our happiness to be a lie
so when I love
I’m scared
because I need to survive you
everybody is always lying
they say shit and don’t mean
they act like there’s no consequence
they act like others don’t mean it

so when I’m in love
I’m waiting to hate you

***********************

The pretty tortured souls

they look so innocent
how can something so pretty ever hurt you?
be so destructive
somebody took his pride when he was eight
mama lost herself on crack
daddy got himself killed when he was five
nobody was there to protect, he was just another nigga sacrificed
so he fucked him hard behind a tool shed, he’s only been meat
grew up to be bought
nobody ever protected him
arrested development
somebody was always going to use him
they look so innocent like leopards
grew claws to get back at the world
even if he pays money he has to pay for past wrongs
somebody didn’t love
maybe that’s what attracts them, that pain in his soulful eyes
he sees the old man like death
didn’t have a relationship with men who grew up to be men
only had relationship with men who used, told himself he must use first
they drive around in their fancy cars; want to spend crisp ATM bills for fantasy
it’s like the zoo, don’t feed the animals
he’s so young and full of cum
the wild animals attract to kill
old men chasing footprints of their youth like picking out coffins
nobody is trying to get saved, what would Jesus do, get his dick sucked?
he’s so beautiful he must be slaved, too easy to love
we let the ugly ones die
he so starved not eating for days
he needs the money
until the ugly reveals itself
until the threat reveals itself
until the truth reveals itself
until he reveals himself
no more illusion
no more artificial
and then they leave when it gets too heavy
he got too deep
the pretty tortured soul drinks too much
can’t be control, throws fits
he hits and curses and destroys
he can’t be control
the pretty can’t just be hung up on a wall
everything rots

***********************
Tina hit a three in the morning

he says gay men are all the same
we need the addictions
that we all drink or do drugs
I was thinking he was just talking about people like us
the others lie
try to pretend they don’t go to bathhouses, weren’t getting fucked on camera at Blkatino
aint picking up the trade boys
too many saying keep my secret that I’m a HIV counselor but don’t wear a condom
I got to his house and he had porno on all the televisions
the fuck music basing in the background
I was just trying to get high
ran out of liquor decided I needed drugs
he says gay men are all the same
I was just thinking how he was gong to get my dick hard

***********************

Fisted

change
maybe I wanted to be changed
it was kink
thought it was just the next level
already been pissed on
first time tasted like purple
laid on my back legs opening like I was giving
birth to myself
he said he could show me
something different like the conspiracy
a whore virgin I said cool, thinking there were no more doors
I took a hit of “I don’t want another hero”
my water broke, or was that him pissing on my hole
the cold jlube ice cube
the strange sound of Crisco lubing hands bawling to fight
feeling filed down fingers
he said breathe

so intense, I think I’m losing my breath
reminds me of the first time I was fucked
thinking he’s never going to get that in me
and then the robbery
felt myself stretch like I was going to break
but remembering flesh isn’t glass
asking him to stop and then start over
but he said he couldn’t, there’s only one window like time traveling
feeling myself push out the wound
and I hate my mother
felt the knuckles push pass the resistance
I took a sniff of poppers
and he was in
my body re-calibrating
my mind trying to fight it
my body not trusting it
my soul wanting it
he pulls out, and I cry like a new born baby
this is my life now
I don’t hate my mother anymore
I’ve been fisted
The story of my life
But this time it felt good

***********************

He lied

He used to make it look so easy
Like it would never hurt you
The marathon sex parties
The drugs
Life was no rules
But it was all a lie

Tim
he doesn’t understand that I’m trying to change
I got syphilis the last time
at his raw sex party
got spots on my body I have to explain
and he was the first person to introduce to me the drugs
and I wanted to be free
but didn’t know that was suicide
and I’ve always been a fucked up
and they always expected that of me
but I was once the hot boy
and now I’m the leopard
leprosy

Tim
the last time I saw him
we got high on “I don’t want another hero”
two lost souls the world had forgotten
he said he was in the hospital for year
he called his mother and she blocked the phone number
he almost died, alone
I guess that’s gay

and I remember my uncle in the back of my grandmother’s room
nobody was to touch him
he had AIDS at the end of the eighties
all those he dance with on the floor, disappeared
those he rode in the convertibles with their hair blowing in the wind
abandoned
all those said they would love his beautiful youth forever
got old
most gay men are cowards
that’s why we die so easily
and don’t we all go home
back in that dark room we so tried to escaped
isn’t gay life just about being used and used?
and the family we needed to get away
that which we thought wouldn’t accept us
bury
I don’t want to die alone
trust me all the fucking compliments never keep you warm
when your temp is a 105

Tim called to read me his obituary
he didn’t really had nothing to say
it was more like a kid begging his parents to love him
just dates nothing why he lived
I hung up the phone in face
The next week I found myself in a mental hospital

I used to think
when I died when I was old
didn’t think that would be thirty years old
and it’s not a moral lesson
fuck the PSA
when I thought when I died
I would think of all the sexy men I fucked
and that would give me peace
but the truth when you’re dying
you think of all the sexy men that fucked you over
the ones that lied
the ones to coward to say anything
that you didn’t say anything
nobody wants to die
even the suicidal
nobody said anything

Tim
he’s like the devil calling
I get online and I’m not really looking
I told him I was clean now
He laughed; told me to come over, quit my lies
I told I would come over but never showed up
A month later he called again
I told him I was sober and working
He said it wouldn’t last
I missed him
I thought we were more than just drug addicts
Six months later he called and just rambled
I listened
I told him I was still sober
I gave him a number to call if he wanted
He stopped calling me
I am waiting Tim
It looks hard in the beginning
But every dick goes soft and we always have to come back to reality
Call me when you’re ready


***********************
one last time

it’s always one last time
like one last breath
play and be serious tomorrow
but tomorrow never comes
I’m constantly lying to myself
maybe I am an addict

***********************
Wild Eyes

I thought of you the other day
in the mirror
saw your reflection
as I fired up my meth pipe and inhaled bitter smoke
I had your eyes
those wild eyes like a car crash and nobody survived
I wondered if you would’ve been proud
or just want a hit from my pipe
I wondered if I would’ve shared
mommy and son getting high together
maybe sister can share too since she lost her baby to the courts
we could take a picture for the Christmas card
and then I laughed because I’m a grown man with my own problems
and I always knew what you did in that bathroom alone
because you always had those wild eyes
My wild eyes made me feel closer to you
As I sat in the bathroom alone firing up my pipe
Trying to figure out
If I had a problem
Because I didn’t recognize myself anymore
I wanted to be sober

***********************
ACT II, I ain't apologizing

When they ask
I’m going to say
I just got tired
Staring into that mirror at the State mental hospital
Eyes red, hair wild
Bandages on my wrists from self mutilation
I just got tired
It was that simple
I had enough of punishing

my mother

the rape

my family

me
I forgot what the fight was even about

I just realized I wasn’t the person staring back at me in the mirror
they told me i was the demon

that i was crazy

tried to over medicate me

i tried to to medicate me

but i wasn't that demon

just pocessed

and that day i finally saw him in the mirror

scared the shit out of my like finding the monster under the bed is real

i then knew i could heal

I wasn't crazy

I can’t say one day I woke up and just starting loving myself
Love isn’t a destination
Happiness isn’t a destination
I guess I woke up and decided to respect myself a little
I changed my mind

I haven’t made it to heaven
I just got across the hard part
Now I must live with the decision
To not die today
That’s all

So I ain’t saying I changed
Lord knows how many times I’ve said that bullshit
But I no longer lose my soul after the first drink
Just got it out of the pawnshop
Plan to keep it this time around