A new year, a new me!!!!!

I know it’s a little late in the year, well it’s only been a couple of weeks for 2008, but I’ve decided to do my New Year resolution.

As I reflect back on 2007, a lot of good and bad happened. Well it became quite obvious that my mental and addictive problems surfaced and exploded. The good that came out of 2007, I finally was diagnosed and got the help I needed. I finally started dealing with my alcoholism and drug addiction. I finally woke up and realized I was fucking up my life.

The bad that happened in 2007, because I was at my worse and getting worse, I fucked up a lot of relationships. I burned a lot of bridges that could’ve helped my creative career. I wasn’t focused and still lost. I sort of feel in 2008 as if I’m starting over as a writer. I thought what I initially wanted: the book deal, fame, respect, money wasn’t so easy. I thought the industry would just open up its arms and let me in. I realized I still got a long way to go as a writer, well to be the type of writer I want to be.

In 2008, I will begin to take my writing a little more serious. I think I will send out more. I only sent out a couple of things in 2007. I didn’t even look for an agent in 2007.

I guess in 2008, I want to change the direction of my pathos. I don’t want to talk about my party lifestyle anymore but focus on the mental health issues I suffer and addiction.

I also want to explore more of my alter-comedienne personality “Lazy Cheap Bastard.”

I guess this is where I am now. I need to make sure to continually remain present. I have a thing of escaping. I need to make sure to continue to speak up for myself. I have to keep myself grounded when it comes to temptation. I also need to remain positive because I’m very discouraged and self-loathing.

Some people say they want a better life, I mean it. I know it isn’t going to be easy.




I write this for you. You who will come looking like I did when the world was enough anymore. I used to ask myself if I can save myself. I knew I couldn’t be saved, because I refused any help. I knew I was the only one who could stop the madness. Yet, I wasn’t done with punishing myself. I wasn’t done with the pain I lived with since I’ve known consiouness.

I felt that pain was the only thing that loved. I knew I could trust the pain because it was predictable. I was afraid of knowing anything different because the pain told me so many lies. It told me nobody would ever love me. It told me I was a freak and should remain in darkness. It told me because all the shit that had happened to me that I was always going to be angry and just drive everyone away. The pain made distrust people. It make me keep my distance. The pain squash my dreams. It kept me a prisoner. I used to ask myself if I could save myself. If I could escape. But the pain was inside of me.

Recovery is not an easy process. I know I probably never be healed, but I can be better. When I think of recovery, I know most people go straight to “rehab” or the symptoms like alcoholism or any addiction. But I know recovery is a lot deeper than that. It goes back to birth. I was going to have to retrace my steps back to God.

After I was 37 days sober, I could finally start seeing my life. I had to get far enough from alcohol, sex and drugs in order to see how I was really hurt. It’s like getting in a car accident, in the beginning because of the shock, medication and hospital, the person doesn’t know how much they are really injured. Some people break legs, arms or ribs. Some people have to learn how to function again. It isn’t until a month or two into physical therapy that some people reazlied that recovery isn’t so easy. People begin losing their faith. It’s hard to stay optimistic.

In my recovery, some days I just want to give up. I think it’s too hard. I fear relapsing most days. I fear going back to what I used to be. I fear losing my job. I fear I won’t be able to put a decent life together because of my past and everything I did.

But that’s the recovery process. I will not win any awards because recovery is about life not a destination. And there are so many things working against me. I’m bipolar, schizophrenic and a maniac depressive. I’m also a compulsive liar and suffer from multiple personalities. It’s all stems from a very abusive and negligent childhood, but as an adult the wounds I carry sometimes don’t want to heal.

So where do I begin? I want to begin with the psych ward. No, I want to begin with why I tried to kill myself, again.