I’m going to really miss you baby
I woke up yesterday, sober but craving vodka. I got ready for work and I could feel myself breaking again. I just wanted to lay back in the bed but I had three meetings and a training class. I like my job, but it was still so hard.
I knew we were ending, in exactly five weeks we’re ending. I will be living someone else and I just want to scream. I know it was my entire fault and I couldn’t understand why I could never get it right. I couldn’t understand how my illnesses became the focal point in the relationship. Why wasn’t it my heart?
And I loved him. I wanted to be him. I wanted love to save us. And it seems so unfair.
Yesterday I got up for work and didn’t feel like smiling. I just wanted to put on my sunshades and just get the work over with. That’s the real world; you can’t show any emotion or weakness or face aesthetic eviction.
Now I want my mama. I want to go back to room in elementary. I want to regress. I want to take naps. I don’t want to be a grown up. I just want to be a kid with no responsibility.
I don’t want this heartbreak. I want to stop drinking when I get off work. I want to see the sun shine again. I want to be pleasant around people again.
And when they tell me this heartbreak will pass I want to slap them because I don’t want to be out of love. I could feel the loneliness waiting for me on the other side. But at least I can stop crying. I’m so tired of crying. So fucking tired of crying.
So I wake up and pretend again. I put on the smile and make everyone in the real world not know I’m breaking. I go home and close the shades and don’t talk to nobody. I stopped taking phone calls. And I wake up and I go to work again. I put on the smile, I smile at strangers hoping they need it as much as I do right now.
And when I wake up in the morning, the bed empty, alone, I put on the smile, I open the windows and then I cry but I cry in the sun. I tell myself if I’m going to keep crying it’s going to be in the sun. And on the weekends I sleep. I go somewhere that makes me laugh and then I start crying again.
Nobody said loving would be this hard but they also didn’t say every day I heal I feel so much stronger. I feel like I’m strongest person on the planet crying at blockbuster.
I woke up yesterday, sober but craving vodka. I got ready for work and I could feel myself breaking again. I just wanted to lay back in the bed but I had three meetings and a training class. I like my job, but it was still so hard.
I knew we were ending, in exactly five weeks we’re ending. I will be living someone else and I just want to scream. I know it was my entire fault and I couldn’t understand why I could never get it right. I couldn’t understand how my illnesses became the focal point in the relationship. Why wasn’t it my heart?
And I loved him. I wanted to be him. I wanted love to save us. And it seems so unfair.
Yesterday I got up for work and didn’t feel like smiling. I just wanted to put on my sunshades and just get the work over with. That’s the real world; you can’t show any emotion or weakness or face aesthetic eviction.
Now I want my mama. I want to go back to room in elementary. I want to regress. I want to take naps. I don’t want to be a grown up. I just want to be a kid with no responsibility.
I don’t want this heartbreak. I want to stop drinking when I get off work. I want to see the sun shine again. I want to be pleasant around people again.
And when they tell me this heartbreak will pass I want to slap them because I don’t want to be out of love. I could feel the loneliness waiting for me on the other side. But at least I can stop crying. I’m so tired of crying. So fucking tired of crying.
So I wake up and pretend again. I put on the smile and make everyone in the real world not know I’m breaking. I go home and close the shades and don’t talk to nobody. I stopped taking phone calls. And I wake up and I go to work again. I put on the smile, I smile at strangers hoping they need it as much as I do right now.
And when I wake up in the morning, the bed empty, alone, I put on the smile, I open the windows and then I cry but I cry in the sun. I tell myself if I’m going to keep crying it’s going to be in the sun. And on the weekends I sleep. I go somewhere that makes me laugh and then I start crying again.
Nobody said loving would be this hard but they also didn’t say every day I heal I feel so much stronger. I feel like I’m strongest person on the planet crying at blockbuster.
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